In Review

I guess the best place to start is with how much my physical and mental health has improved this year. I started the year on meds and engaged in a round of therapy. My adjustment period with the meds wasn't nearly as bad as some people have experienced but it did take longer than even I was aware of. I had to take ownership of my illness and not be as detached as I was trying to project. The 1/2 year of therapy made me feel so much better. Wrong word. Stronger. Unfortunately, it only highlited all the things I had allowed to go wrong in my personal life. It's funny, but as soon as I started standing up for what I wanted, what I needed, the people in my life suddenly left. While it played into my abandonment issues for a while, it made me realize that those people were never interested in me or my happiness. When I stopped meeting their needs whatever we had disintigrated. Which was really what I needed all along.

Sometime in March, I finally acheived an undetectable viral load. My T-cell count has risen at every test, and currently stands at just under 800. I am so far not showing any issues with my liver function or my cholesterol. Getting the HIV treated had side benefits. My extreme gassiness abated (sorry). My bloated belly lessened. And my gums stopped bleeding. I'm sure some of it is psychological but I actually feel better than I have in years. After trying dietary changes, acidolphous supplements, quitting coffee, it seemed that nothing would help with the Kaletra- induced diarrhea. Then my health care provider prescribed Loparimide. My experience improved dramatically. I stopped worrying about what would happen at work. I stopped scoping out department store bathrooms, and I stopped planning my day so I would always be near a branch of my gym. Turns out, being in control of your bowels is ridiculously more important than you would think (again, sorry).

In April, I got a new best friend. I wish that I could tell you how much I love Jet. Adopting a dog was the best thing I've done in a long, long time. I love walking him even when It's shitty out. I like shopping for him and playing with him. Yesterday we were playing in the park and he took off running in circles. My heart soared and I teared up a little watching him go. I wake up every morning and spend a few minutes hugging him and rubbing his belly and greeting the day. I am grateful the Universe helped him find his way to me.

I started the year without a job. Than I got one and a month later lost it. At the time, I was hurt and angry. I see two things now. One, I was done with the restaurant/bar business. I have no desire to watch people sit at a bar day after day drinking. I have no desire to deal with people addicted to cigarettes and/or drugs. I don't want to see people that have given up. Two, I had grown too passive. I was so preoccupied with my mental and physical health, that I didn't have anything left for other battles. And make no mistake, whether you understand why or not, the world is full of people who will try to take advantage of you. I wish this weren't so. But unfortunately, doing a good job at your job isn't always enough.

In September, I started my new job. It's not perfect. I'm not working full time and I'm not making enough money. One of my supervisors is an angry dyke that tries to cover up the fact that she's cluless by attacking other people. But I actually look forward to going in to work. I learn something new every day. And I am never bored. There's always something for me to do. I frequently help people. I answer a lot of questions, and at the end of a shift, I usually feel like I accomplished something. I'm going to fight to keep this one.

This was the year I stopped going out to the gay bars/clubs. I was never much of a club-goer anyway. And I sort of disappeared at the bars. I noticed sometime this year that I had turned somewhat invisible. I was the guy the cute man looked past to see the cute boy behind me. I was one of the guys drinking at the bar talking to no one, getting slightly buzzed and going home alone. And I refused to be that guy, so I stopped going. I didn't become a recluse. I took my dog for long walks. I went to outdoor movies in the summer. I saw some theater. I went to some staged readings. Of course, I shopped. I joined an HIV+ support group. I just sort of decided the bars were over for me. I may go on occasion. Certainly if I'm with someone and we stop for a drink.

The Ex is out of my life. We haven't spoken and I don't intend to ever again. He let me down. On so many levels and over so long a time. We were together over 20 years ago. And at some point we found our way back and started a weird friend/relationship. But he's not the man I need him to be and he's not a friend and he will never be there for me. He's too selfish and self-involved. The Hellcat is a drug addict I let into my life, despite everyone sane telling me it was a huge mistake. I have no regrets. He was killing himself and I couldn't bear to let that happen. He uses people, and discards them when they have no more use. I get that. Still, part of me wonders if he'll ever thank me for saving his life. Unfortunately, I doubt it. My life is infinitely better without either one of them.

Now for the resolutions:

I need to reign in my overextended credit. I've already started, having paid off my smallest outstanding credit card last week.

I intend to be more adventerous and take advantage of living in the greatest city in the world. Museums, art galleries and more theater.

I want to travel more. I'm thinking of going to New Orleans. When New York was attacked and tourism tanked, many people from all over the world came to show support and spend some much needed time and money. I think New Orleans post Katrina is in a similar situation, and I'd like to return the favor. Also, I've never been to Peurto Rico, shocking, given my predilection for Peurto Ricans.

Happy New Year everyone.

Oh My God. It's Alive!