Jeez, Do Ya Think?

The producers of the new production of Equus had any idea that their naked PR pics of Harry Potter would be salivatingly reproduced by every lame-assed homo blogger worldwide? Hmm?
Honestly, just pathetic. Go buy an A&F catalogue.

I was at the gym tonight. I put on some headphones and listened to some inappropriate (non-Madonna) music. As I was working through my ab routine I had a mini-epiphany. And you know how painful those can be. It occurred to me that my inner monologue has become very negative. Like I'm stuck in a dark place. Or that I just automatically default to it. I was feeling kind of grumpy, and I was currently beating myself up about the little failures I had this week. All the things I shouldn't be doing as well as all the things I know I can do better.

And as I got lost in the music and (I'm assuming) some endorphins started to kick in, I thought: How terribly counterproductive. And I suddenly started ticking off all the good things that happened today. I got everything done I intended. I stocked up Jet's food. I bought healthy groceries for myself. I took my meds. I refilled a prescription. I skipped breakfast, a flaw, but I made a helathy low-carb lunch and I ate it all. A positive, as I've been unable to finish my meals the last few days. I stopped in to Barnes & Noble and found a new book to start. I was at the gym, I had finished 1/2hr. of cardio. I was looking forward to a delicious dinner that was almost already finished, my outfit was urban/cute and if I do say so myself, I have a pretty funny and ironic taste in music.

By the time I was finished, I have to admit, Dr. Phil be damned if I wasn't feeling much better. About myself, about the day. While I'm at work, I have a running criticism about myself playing in the background: You shouldn't be in this department there's nobody here. You should be selling over there. You should get on a register the lines are too long. I always feel like I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time and I could just Be. So. Much. Better.

And maybe if I quit beating myself up and learned to enjoy myself, I could be.

This has been my Daily Affirmation. Now scram, you suck.

What Kind Of Cheese Goes With This Whine?

I feel like crap. I'm exhausted and run down. My appetite is wonky and nothing I make tastes good. I'm dehydrated all the time despite running the humidifier at night. All I wanted to do when I got to work today was be finished and get back home. Jet got a bare minimum walk around the neighborhood because all I wanted to do was get back inside, put on my jammies and call it a day. Oh, and I forgot to bring a bag downstairs with me so I didn't clean up his poop. Sorry New York.

In Other News ....

It took a while, but my new roommate has moved in. She's really nice (although she still puncuates her e-mails with smiley faces and LOL's). She cleaned the kitchen. Twice. That's refreshing. And her dog is pretty damn cute. I don't think she knows that I know he's totally not housebroken. Fortunately, after a day of acting out, Jet still is. Yes, even though he's not "mine", I have another dog. Pictures are forthcoming. I just read Michael's latest post. I feel like a whiny stupid baby. I'll shut up now.

I think I'll have a cocktail and 1/2 an Ambien and hope tomorrow is a brighter day.

Adventures In Medicine

So I made the frigid trudge across town to keep my latest dental appointment. I wavered a bit about keeping the appointment at all, but I've been feeling oddly powerful and in control lately. Upon arrival, I was informed ahead of time that my visit would cost $78.00, at which point I said I didn't want the root canal done and would keep the appointment for a cleaning or even a cavity fill. In other words, free and not so invasive. It was noted on my chart and they took me right in. Just to be sure, I repeated my desires to the dental tech. She said that would be fine and the dentist would be in shortly.

He's Middle Eastern, kind of cute, but quite tiny. But I do feel relatively comfortable with him. He was actually quite amenable to going a little more slowly. Curiously, when I commented that one of the reasons I didn't want the root canal was because I couldn't afford it, he informed me it would be covered by ADAP. Despite the fact that he was the one who told me it would take 3 visits at $100 per. Where the $78.00 fits in I have no idea.

We agreed to a filling, and he proceeded to give me an injection. It was uncomfortable, but needles I can take. Within about 15 minutes about 1/4 of my mouth was numb. The new, high speed drills are pretty quiet and between the suction and the music playing, I hardly heard it. The whole thing was done in about 15 minutes. Totally painless. After the filling, the dentist informed me he had further examined the tooth that needed a root canal. He concluded it was not a good idea after all so the root canal is officially cancelled. I go back in March for another filling, and the rest of the year we'll be doing some cleaning and general check-ups. Exactly what I was hoping for. I should be dental-phobic free by the end of the year.

I then proceeded to the next floor for my quarterly blood test. After checking in I was informed that I was late and would need to reschedule. I explained that I had another appointment in the building. I further explained that I anticipated this was a problem and inquired two weeks ago as to whether or not I should book another time for labs. I was told to keep my dental appointment and then proceed to labs after. That it wouldn't be a problem. Clearly, it was a problem. I turned into an indignant queen and made the receptionist make a series of phone calls. I didn't get my labs done and had to reschedule. This would force me to re-schedule my follow-up to get the results. The lab receptionist offered to do it for me from there.

"I'll do it myself, thank you. Since you people clearly don't know what you're doing." I was never so happy to have a scarf to toss over my shoulder and flounce out in a huff.

Sorry I Fell For It, ... Sort Of

I had a feeling, but this Donnie Davies bizness is total bullshit. It reeked of total sham from the latest video at the first "Hiii, Ahm Dawnnie Davis." You overplayed your hand, Donnie. Not sure what the ultimate purpose was for this deception but I'm out. It's not funny and I'm not falling for it.

Take A Memo

To Top Chef non-finalist Sam:


Real sorry you lost the competition big guy. Big, tatted-up deep-voiced guy. But you are most assuredly my "top" chef. And to prove it, I'd like you to come over and fuck me 'till I cry.

To the AngerDyke supervisor I currently report to:

I'm done playin'. I like my job and I'm good at it. You're in my way, you suck as a manager, and I'm sick of you making me feel bad about myself. You don't know who you're playing with. I stared down death, bitch. Live and Let Live Spiritual Me has been sent away. Evil Scheming Angry Fag is loose. You're toast.

To people approaching the checkout counters where I work:

Hang up your fucking cell call and acknowledge the presence of the human being saying hello, taking your credit card or cash and putting your purchases in a bag for you. It's unbelievably rude!

To the naked, overweight Indian man that spent a 1/2hr. wandering without a towel around the shower/sauna area at my gym:

The hair dryers are not provided so that you can dry off your balls. Find a towel and then use it. And keep your "super-heated ball air" from blowing over my way as I'm getting ready to leave. I don't feel like smelling like overweight Indian genitalia all day. Thanks to Sean for reminding me on that one.

This Is Just Delicious

Two PETA employees charged with 31 felony counts of animal cruelty. That's right suckers, your PETA donations directly caused the death of many many little puppies and kitties. And bunnies, too.

God Hates Fat Christian "Former" Pig Bottoms

For Sale

Here ya go ...

1996 X-Men VS. The Brood -2 Issues 48 pgs. No Ads!


1986 Superman The Man of Steel complete mini-series!


13 Issues. Captain America.

3 Issues. Mighty Thor. Cheap.

1980 Untold Legend of The Batman #1-3 complete mini-series. Awesome ads inside.

I'll Be There For You ...

Now here's an unexpected developement. I got an e-mail invitation to a wedding. Neo's getting married. To a man. In London. I want to go. And have him mistakenly use my name during the vows. Then we'll get drunk in Vegas and get married. Even though I'm on the record as saying gay marriage is silly.

I was going to pop out to the gym despite the cold. But I just got back from the dog run and even with gloves on I couldn't feel my fingers when I got back. So fuck that, I'll just get liquored up and touch my naughty parts.

'Atta girl ...

Later .... I put up some pretty cool comics for sale on EBay. Check back.

Stormy Weather

Now that I'm better funded I did a little shopping today (big surprise). That usually makes me feel great but instead I'm kind of "blech." Not sure why, aside from the fact that I'm worried about money. I skipped my dental appointment today. I can't justify spending 300.00 on a procedure on a tooth I damaged well over 6 yrs. ago. If something bad was going to happen from it, it probably already would have. I'll go next week, but I'm way more interested in having my teeth cleaned and any cavities filled. Since I'm the patient and it's my mouth that's what we'll do. I just wasn't up for an oral confrontation today. Next week I'm due for my labs as well. That I'm not at all worried about. I'm sure they'll be fine. I was thinking about that the other day. Having my labs done four times a year gives me a great advantage. I know from speaking to other (regular) people and reading their blogs that a lot of people obsess about the state of their health. They imagine all manner of maladies for themselves. I'm absolutely sure that (HIV aside) I'm healthy. No worries there.

So I got Jet a fresh bag of food and a few cans. Figured I'd stock up while I was flush. For myself, I bought a picture frame. I'm gradually replacing all the photos in the house with photos that I've taken, and I'm buying decent frames so they look nicer. This way, all the "art" in the house will be original. I also bought a new saucepan. I'm slowly replacing all the crappy cookware I've been using with new, shiny cookware.

I paid cash for everything as part of my resolve to get my credit accounts under control.

The weather reports tomorrow call for 20-30 mph gusty winds. I detest the cold. I'll need to get the laundry done, but beyond that, I'll probably hole up inside and cook some meals.

Oh, and for the record, I was a professional bartender for almost 15 years. Let me just state unequivocally that during these interviews, Paula Abdul was drunk.

I'm Solvent ...

Finally! I sold some stock (in actuality, I just took the profits from last year off the table) last week. It takes a few days for the transaction to "settle". Meaning they hang on to your money to make a little extra off it. It's business. But then it takes another business day to transfer it to my account. And coincidentally I made the transaction spot on to coincide with not just a weekend, but a holiday weekend. I've been living off of less than 20 dollars for three days. It basically sucked. Thank god I had plenty of pork chops and Milkbones.

The deposit finally plopped in to my checking account this morning. I paid some bills for the week. And happily, I also get a paycheck on Friday.

It's 19 degrees out and Jet's whining for a walk. 19! I think I'll put the apartment keys and leash in his mouth and see how he does.

Addendum: The cold walk wasn't that bad. Actually, several layers of shirts and a pair of long underoos and a knit cap pretty much did the trick. I did however witness a real-life illustration of a "big steaming pile of poo". So there's that.

Now That's Gay ...

Well Done!

In Other News ...

I was feeling a might peckish all day today. I was sluggish and running a slight fever off and on. Wickedly dehydrated as well. Perhaps from all the drugs and alcohol this weekend. Ya Think? A hot shower helped as did a fresh juicy orange. Still, I couldn't wait to get out of work. The temperature is set to drop about 30 degrees in the next 48 hrs. But tonight it was over 50 degrees in the middle of January. Jet enjoyed an extra long walk. I was so baked not fried this weekend I forgot I bought bread and porkchops and Milkbones so I bought them again the next day. Grocery store blackouts are so unattractive. Fortunately, I didn't forget sucking off that hot man on Saturday morning at the gym. If they grab you by the hair it means they're gonna call you, right?

Funniest. SNL. Opening. Ever....

Continuing The Valley Of The Dolls

I'm on my 2nd Bloody of the afternoon and I'm looking for a redheaded stepchild I can berate for being worthless.

In the meantime:

Some pornstars are teaming up for an anti-meth campaign. They've also got a link to a harm reduction site called Tweeker.org, which I absolutely love. Tons of great links and information. GO!

Tim Gunn from Project Runway has reportedly inked a deal for a new series on Bravo. They're saying it means he won't be back for the next season but I'm not getting that.

I may be poor white trash but at least I'm not rich and fat with a double chin, a bad dye job and an oily obnoxious brother.

Just Call Me Neely O'Hara

Well, the lidocaine has worn off. So has the clonazepam. Mostly. I passed out for about four hours from the stress and the pharmaceuticals. Turns out the dread was for naught. The root canal didn't happen. It seems that the tooth is in such bad shape that it may not survive the procedure. So after I doped myself up and then let them numb the (almost) entire right side of my face, my dentist simply put some sort of a support cap behind my tooth until next week. If it doesn't improve, the new plan is to leave it be, since it's not infected and not causing me any pain. Sort of my preferred plan all along. Whatever they did do, I'm not in the least bit of pain, and plan on working out tomorrow as planned. Bonus - because the root canal didn't happen, they made the visit free. Saving me 100 dollars I couldn't afford. I stopped in to work on the way home, and bought about 20 dollars worth of crap I didn't need. A reward for my bravery. Plus I was high. Went to the drugstore and re-stocked the cleaning supplies.

Supposedly, my new roommate(s) are moving in tomorrow during the day. I hope that Jet and Tails get along. I'm hopeful, because at least they're the same age. The dishes are done and the kitchen is clean. Tomorrow I'll wash the living room floor, just to create a nice impression. I'll have a couple more cocktails, wash the last one back with 1/2 an Ambien (it's Valley Of The Dolls Day here in Gramercy-off-park) and start anew.

Unless I come up with a new plan, I have 26 dollars to spend until Tuesday. Hmmm...

In Which Our Hero Plays Politics

I showed up for work 1/2 hr. early today, after checking in advance that my angry dyke supervisor would be off. As expected two of my other supervisors were hanging around, and instead of picking the manager that hired me that I know better, I sought out the manager I felt wields a lot more influence. The Dutchess knows how to play the game, and clearly, I needed to make a move. Basically, after shining him on about how much I like my job, I laid out my case that the angry dyke was making my great job noticeably less great, and sought his advice about how I could either address the issue or at the very least, not let her obvious lack of management skills interfere with my advancement.

I think he was surprised (pleasantly so) that I would take such an aggressive step, and I think he was impressed and flattered that I trusted him to help. He gave me some great feedback, in that he thought that I seemed to him to have great skill and competence when dealing with our customers. He had no doubt that I would make sure they were taken care of and listened to. He also told me he noticed that on the busy weekend shifts, he would always find me working at something. He also complemented me on my "can do" attitude. I was glad he noticed. It's nice to be noticed.

He offered to broker a follow up meeting between me and the angry dyke, and he offered to sit in on another if I didn't feel my concerns were addressed. OK, Maybe he shined me a little bit too. That's what they do in this company. I have to admit though, I left feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

Form Of ... Um ... Ice ... Cubes

So this Friday (actually the next three Fridays) I'll be having a root canal. I cancelled the procedure back in November because I was chicken and the appointments conflicted with work days. And I assure you, not only will I be numbed up by the dentist, but I will be using my entire pharmacological arsenal to get through it. I don't think I'll be selling any storage solutions those days. My dentist assures me that because I don't currently have an abcess or pain, that the procedure will actually be painless. I did some research on The Internets, and was reassured that this appears to be the case. Still, my Mom suggests that as a precaution I grab ahold of the dentist's balls before he starts working on me. Just to be sure. And that also helps explain why I'm like I am.

In The Life ran a great profile of comic book artist, writer and penciller Phil Jiminez. During the course of preparing my collection for sale, I casually sorted my issues of the Tempest series. During the profile it came to my attention that not only was Jiminez the artist on the series, but that in it he came out in an open letter and tribute to Neal Pozner, Phil's lover who died of AIDS. I won't be selling my copies. Ever.

And despite visions of pizza and ice cream that began plaguing me all night tonight, I managed to stick to another day with few carbs. Whole wheat toast with breakfast. Roasted chicken sans butter and avec sauteed veggies. I've lost a little over three pounds which I don't care about and some backfat which I most decidedly do.

Paris Is Shooting

"We always be seeing them, and they always be looking at people.... They give you that gay look, like you're a female or something. That ain't cute. People be ready to fight.... I knew something was going to happen to that house." This is the quote that a man gave from the Chicago neighborhood where six people were shot last week. I hope he be enjoying his Burger King job for a long, long time. And I hope he be nice to all the females.

Now comes news that the shootings may have been a result of a rivalry between two houses from local ballroom culture. I thought the whole idea was that you settled your fueds on the runway? So not pretty.

And yes, Slowly I Turn is an old vaudeville routine that's made several memorable appearances on stage and screen. I first saw it done hilariously in an I Love Lucy episode where the trigger word was "Martha". Here's the best history I found, including why Niagara Falls always makes me think of it.

Oh, and take-out Chinese has officially been banned for Gay and Lesbian parents.

Slowly I Turn, Step By Step, Inch By Inch

PBS just had a great hour on the history of Niagara Falls. Did you know that The Falls actually started many miles back at the point that lake Tonawanda (holla!) emptied into lake Iriquois? It's eroded for thousands and thousands of years back to where it is today. Did you also know that The American Falls were shut off (I remember this, *sigh*) in 1969 in order to clear out the fallen rocks and make the American Falls "better"? Two suicide corpses and millions of good luck coins were revealed. Unfortunately, it was determined that the debris at the bottom supported The Falls at the top and the idea was scrapped.

Surprisingly (to me) The Falls are now controlled so that during the day only 50% of the volume flows over. At night, it's reduced to 25%. This is to control erosion. There's a movement to let The Falls flow unhindered once a year to let people experience the true power. If they were smart, they would build a huge "event" around this event. I smell a Gay Curcuit Party.

New Year So Far ...

I woke up New Year's Day without a hangover and I managed a great workout at the gym. The first year I accomplished both things. I'm taking it as a sign of the year to come. I love this time of year at the gym. This is the week that tons of people will show up at the gym in their matching work-out "outfits". They will have brand new I-Pods and unscuffed sneakers. They will be wearing jewelry on the stationary bike. And they will be gone by the end of February.

I am on day four (out of five) back aggressively working out. My shoulders are impossibly sore and I doubt I will be able to uncurl my arms tomorrow at work. Does anyone know if creatine really helps alleviate muscle soreness?

I'm on day two living lower carb. No pasta and no white bread. I snacked today on pistachios and cucumbers instead of Fritos and dip. I cooked another turkey meatloaf with zuchinni and mushrooms, and I made green beans with almonds and sunflower seeds.

In HIV news ... "Salvage therapy" patients find hope with a new integrase inhibitor. 40,000 Americans could benefit.

In Review

I guess the best place to start is with how much my physical and mental health has improved this year. I started the year on meds and engaged in a round of therapy. My adjustment period with the meds wasn't nearly as bad as some people have experienced but it did take longer than even I was aware of. I had to take ownership of my illness and not be as detached as I was trying to project. The 1/2 year of therapy made me feel so much better. Wrong word. Stronger. Unfortunately, it only highlited all the things I had allowed to go wrong in my personal life. It's funny, but as soon as I started standing up for what I wanted, what I needed, the people in my life suddenly left. While it played into my abandonment issues for a while, it made me realize that those people were never interested in me or my happiness. When I stopped meeting their needs whatever we had disintigrated. Which was really what I needed all along.

Sometime in March, I finally acheived an undetectable viral load. My T-cell count has risen at every test, and currently stands at just under 800. I am so far not showing any issues with my liver function or my cholesterol. Getting the HIV treated had side benefits. My extreme gassiness abated (sorry). My bloated belly lessened. And my gums stopped bleeding. I'm sure some of it is psychological but I actually feel better than I have in years. After trying dietary changes, acidolphous supplements, quitting coffee, it seemed that nothing would help with the Kaletra- induced diarrhea. Then my health care provider prescribed Loparimide. My experience improved dramatically. I stopped worrying about what would happen at work. I stopped scoping out department store bathrooms, and I stopped planning my day so I would always be near a branch of my gym. Turns out, being in control of your bowels is ridiculously more important than you would think (again, sorry).

In April, I got a new best friend. I wish that I could tell you how much I love Jet. Adopting a dog was the best thing I've done in a long, long time. I love walking him even when It's shitty out. I like shopping for him and playing with him. Yesterday we were playing in the park and he took off running in circles. My heart soared and I teared up a little watching him go. I wake up every morning and spend a few minutes hugging him and rubbing his belly and greeting the day. I am grateful the Universe helped him find his way to me.

I started the year without a job. Than I got one and a month later lost it. At the time, I was hurt and angry. I see two things now. One, I was done with the restaurant/bar business. I have no desire to watch people sit at a bar day after day drinking. I have no desire to deal with people addicted to cigarettes and/or drugs. I don't want to see people that have given up. Two, I had grown too passive. I was so preoccupied with my mental and physical health, that I didn't have anything left for other battles. And make no mistake, whether you understand why or not, the world is full of people who will try to take advantage of you. I wish this weren't so. But unfortunately, doing a good job at your job isn't always enough.

In September, I started my new job. It's not perfect. I'm not working full time and I'm not making enough money. One of my supervisors is an angry dyke that tries to cover up the fact that she's cluless by attacking other people. But I actually look forward to going in to work. I learn something new every day. And I am never bored. There's always something for me to do. I frequently help people. I answer a lot of questions, and at the end of a shift, I usually feel like I accomplished something. I'm going to fight to keep this one.

This was the year I stopped going out to the gay bars/clubs. I was never much of a club-goer anyway. And I sort of disappeared at the bars. I noticed sometime this year that I had turned somewhat invisible. I was the guy the cute man looked past to see the cute boy behind me. I was one of the guys drinking at the bar talking to no one, getting slightly buzzed and going home alone. And I refused to be that guy, so I stopped going. I didn't become a recluse. I took my dog for long walks. I went to outdoor movies in the summer. I saw some theater. I went to some staged readings. Of course, I shopped. I joined an HIV+ support group. I just sort of decided the bars were over for me. I may go on occasion. Certainly if I'm with someone and we stop for a drink.

The Ex is out of my life. We haven't spoken and I don't intend to ever again. He let me down. On so many levels and over so long a time. We were together over 20 years ago. And at some point we found our way back and started a weird friend/relationship. But he's not the man I need him to be and he's not a friend and he will never be there for me. He's too selfish and self-involved. The Hellcat is a drug addict I let into my life, despite everyone sane telling me it was a huge mistake. I have no regrets. He was killing himself and I couldn't bear to let that happen. He uses people, and discards them when they have no more use. I get that. Still, part of me wonders if he'll ever thank me for saving his life. Unfortunately, I doubt it. My life is infinitely better without either one of them.

Now for the resolutions:

I need to reign in my overextended credit. I've already started, having paid off my smallest outstanding credit card last week.

I intend to be more adventerous and take advantage of living in the greatest city in the world. Museums, art galleries and more theater.

I want to travel more. I'm thinking of going to New Orleans. When New York was attacked and tourism tanked, many people from all over the world came to show support and spend some much needed time and money. I think New Orleans post Katrina is in a similar situation, and I'd like to return the favor. Also, I've never been to Peurto Rico, shocking, given my predilection for Peurto Ricans.

Happy New Year everyone.

Oh My God. It's Alive!