So I had two days off in a row. You can officially put me in the regrouped category. I got some sleep, and I managed to accomplish 13 of the 18 things on my "want to do" list. In addition I hung new shades in the bedrooms and I saw a movie. Spider Man 3. I didn't hate it, but I wish I could say I liked it. I enjoyed some of the fight scenes, some I think were just a mess of CG animation. And I loved the gay subtext between Peter and Harry. Or maybe the gay subtext was between me and James Franco.
Anyway on to the milestone. Yesterday I reached 90 days of sobriety. Maybe not a big deal to some, but a pretty important goal amongst the Gay-A crowd. I don't know about that but it was a long road and I'm a little shocked and very pleased I made it this far. I was happy to be off yesterday so I had time to go to a meeting, my first in a couple of weeks, and mark the event. I didn't get the chance to speak, so I'm left to contemplate what it means to myself. If I had to note two surprising things about being sober this long, it would be that I'm surprised at how completely all sense of fear has left me. And I guess how fearful and stagnated I'd allowed myself to become. I thought I was a pretty brave individual before, but now, after facing this problem, virtually nothing scares me. I even dreamt about it last night. A recurring theme in my dreams has always been my own powerlessness. I would wake up sad and frustrated, much the same way I was living my daily life. Last night in my dreams I grabbed the human embodiment of my fear by the throat. I got right up in its face and said out loud: "You. Don't Scare. Me." And then I woke up, ready to face another day.
Also, for someone who would have professed to taking good care of myself, I'm a little shocked at how much being sober has become about giving myself a gift. It's no coincidence that I stopped drinking before my birthday. But one of the ways I've managed to stay sober has been because I don't see it as doing without something. I don't see it as a punishment. So I almost never have the feeling of giving something up that I want. What I want is to take care of myself. What I want is to feel good. What I want is to be happy. And I get all those things in return when I don't drink. A more than fair trade off in my mind.
And so while I'm not shouting my reaching this milestone from the rooftops, I did feel like I should mark it somehow. It almost seemed tattoo-worthy, but before you leap ahead, I've pretty much decided that my tatt-less body may have to remain so considering my advanced years. But in that same spirit, I decided to cut off my hair. I've let it grow the past year or so, with occasional trims and such, and it's been worn long for enough time that all my ID and licenses feature a long-haired me. Everyone's used to it by now and it's how I got hired at work. But I wanted to make a new start now that I'm "officially" sober. I stopped in to my regular spot for Chinese food the evening after I lopped it off. I ordered my regular fare and much discussion in a language other than English ensued. Then the woman at the counter finally asked: "Did you just cut your hair?" Apparently, I look very different. Which is good, because I feel different too. Different, and a whole lot better.
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