Sunday, April 04, 2004

And Finally.... (as they run screaming for the exits)

Another e-mail from my guest correspondent:

To answer your unspoken question - yeah, my "fetish" is cumming in a guy's
ass (no shit) - it's what gets my dick hard - there's just something about it... And
yeah, I like to hear about other guys giving and taking cum, so that's
what I was thinking about when I read your post about the blindfolded
bottom. But my sex life is a whole other subject...

I think you missed my point completely when I gave the examples of things
that can be risky. I'm not saying giving someone a cigarette is the same
as giving them a load of cum in their ass. What I was saying is that
everything in life has risk associated with it. Yes, everything including
an air conditioner falling on your head when you go for a casual walk down
the street. While I agree an air conditioner could bash your head in we certainly don't leave our houses expecting that it will. There are degrees of perceived risk. (Things like that happen - I personally saw a planter box fall
from a window ledge in SoHo and nearly hit a woman).

What's interesting is watching how people (and society) designate things
as "acceptable risks". It amounts to people drawing lines in the sand -
these are "safe", these I'll only do every now and then (risk reduction), This risk reduction thing is a relatively new concept to me. I'm currently studying it further.
and these I won't touch with a 10' pole 'cause they're stupid and
dangerous... It's not a logical process and there are "safe" things that
are more dangerous than others that are seen as "incredibly risky".

Fear and bigotry play a role in how society views risk. We often
internalize norms without questioning them and it takes a lot to see past
these unquestioned assumptions. If you hung out with people who were into
S/M you'd probably get over your fear of bondage because they'd help you
see past the fear... And I still find it interesting that people can be
more afraid of bondage than HIV... fascinating, ain't it?

We all do "mental gymnastics" to figure out what we're OK with and what
we're not OK with. While sometimes those "gymnastics" amount to coming up
with excuses so we can do what we want to do (i.e. George W. going into
Iraq to finish his daddy's war), they can also be honest attempts to
understand ourselves. You seem to be reflexive enough that yours are
honest attempts at understanding. (I'm tryin, girrrrl.)

You didn't want to be part of the gangbang because you couldn't "be a part
of something that [you knew] could hurt him." Yet, I doubt you thought he
was neg, and I doubt you suspected you had an(other) STD. There was the
possibility of reinfection, but there was also that possibility with the
blindfolded bottom. In other words, you apparently weren't worried about
your hurting him, but rather being part of something where someone else
might hurt him. (Exactly. My participation, even if I didn't believe I would hurt him but that someone else might signifies in my mind at least that I think it's OK to let someone get hurt by an act you participate in.) Your blindfolded bottom is getting fucked raw by
strangers, (you're speculating) just not as many in a given day... It's just curious to me that
you're OK with one, but not the other - that was my entire point...

Another way to put it would be - if you don't think you're likely to
"hurt" the guy, why abstain?

I would like to publicly thank this guy for taking the time to exchange words with me about this subject. So many within the gay community are blindly classifying this as a black and white good or bad issue and it so very clearly is not. He has obviously given this subject quite a bit of thought and as always, I applaud anyone who has a strong opinion and the courage to publicly express it. I had to decide what I believed to be acceptable (for me) behavior before I was HIV+. I had to shuffle the decks and re-think that position after I was diagnosed. At least some of us are taking the time to really think about it. I think, publishing his e-mail response and a couple of semi smart-ass comments by me should bring closure (for now) to this topic. I'm sure in the future it will squirt itself in my eye again. Thanks again, man.

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