Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Twelve Step Ball-Change

Damn, this not drinking shit ain't easy. I've been to six days of Gay-A meetings. Some unexpected side effects of not drinking: I'm so fucking hungry! All the time! Well, at least every few hours. I haven't missed a breakfast, lunch or dinner in days and I've taken to carrying extra granola bars, snacks, nuts and fruit around with me. I had to. The first couple of nights I ate an entire bag of chips both nights. The last thing I need is to be sober and fat. I've been sticking with mostly gay Gay-A meetings, although after I finish my 90 day immersion I may branch out. There are a lot of meetings within a few blocks of the apartment, so I'll probably go to some of them. I found a wonderful meeting place in the East Village that I think will be a regular place for me. I was surprised to find that while all meetings are open to all members, they kind of encourage you to find a home "house" or room or two. Not unlike ball culture. I'm thinking we could rename the church where we meet The House of Labeija. I wouldn't mind being the formerly drunken Duchess of Labeija. I kind of like that. "Work it! Work that repressed memory! Isolate yourself, bitch!"

There are meetings for men, mostly gay men, gay men and women, HIV+ Alkies, Latinos, women, people of color. There are some meetings that are signed for deafies and most are wheelchair accessible. Snacks and coffee seem to be a big part of the experience, and some of the better organized meetings have a veritable breakfast buffet available. I guess considering we're gay, that shouldn't be a surprise. An urn of coffee and some plastic cups just won't do. Just because we're a room full of drunks doesn't mean we can't have scones.

Also unexpected, after a couple of nights of insomnia, I've started sleeping almost through the night. And with the sleep has come dreams. Tons and tons of dreams. I guess now that my brain isn't soaked in vodka it's making up for lost time. The other night, I dreamed that a guy and a girl were using a urinal together (who knows), then I dreamed that while having that dream, I wet the bed. Then I woke up for real, relieved that the 2nd dream within a dream never happened.

Oh, and I get irritable periodically every day, but nobody has noticed that as a change.

After one of my first meetings, several people came right over and offered their phone numbers. I figured they were just being nice, but I've since found out they really encourage you to call these virtual strangers. Certainly if you feel like you might go drink, but also if you feel lonely or just want to talk or ask a question. This would be so out of character for me. I hate talking on the phone. And I always feel like I'm intruding. But all the literature points out that one of the foundations of the program is the support you get from other members. So that's my goal for myself this week. Call a member just to talk. I'll let you know. Also, sometime this week I'm going to have to tell my mom and dad I lost my job and I'm in Gay-A. Hopefully, they'll be happy I'm getting help, but you never know how the King and Queen of The House Of Secrets will react to this latest flaw in The Duchess.

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