45 Years Ago Today ... Oh Dear God!

Yes, it's inevitable. Well, it's not inevitable, I could be dead. Not sure what the appropriate celebration should be, considering the circumstances.

I decided on my 40th birthday I would start celebrating the day again but in a new way. I tried to see my birthday as an opportunity to do some good for myself. So on Feb. 19th 2002, I quit smoking. I went from two packs a day complete with a hacking smoker's cough, to no cigarettes at all. I never looked back, I never cheated. Not once. A year went by, and in 2003 I was feeling so much better I decided to use the next year to attend to my health. I hadn't seen a Dr. in years. I didn't even have a Dr., let alone health insurance. I made an appointment for a general check-up, and followed that up with my very first HIV test. Being the over-achiever I am, I got it right on the first try and tested positive. I can't say I was too stunned by it. At least not at first. So 2003 found me awash in a sea of blood tests and vitamin supplements and short term group therapy sessions. It's all in the archives if you feel like referring back. I don't remember giving myself a gift for my birthday in 2004. Perhaps I was gun-shy from the year before. But in 2005, I resolved to address my emotional health. It took me the better part of '05 into '06, but I made great strides. I conquered or tamed most of the triggers for my panic attacks. I spent half a year in therapy. I lost my shit for a while when I started on my HIV meds, but with help from a great counselor and a friend, we managed to see me through the shitstorm and out the other end. What I didn't realize at the time was that I was actually laying the groundwork for what's been happening lately.

So even though my sober date is actually Feb. 7, we'll just think of it as my early birthday present for 2007. The beauty of it is, I may be unwrapping this particular gift for a year if not much longer. In that way, sobriety is a lot like HIV. It's the gift that keeps on giving. So if you belly up to the bar sometime today, be sure to hoist one in my name and wish me a Happy Birthday. And be happy for me that I won't be joining you. Believe it or not, I am.