Saturday, December 03, 2005

And Now, A Word Or Two About My Ass.

Since I have a spare half hour, even though there's probably work I could be doing, I thought I'd clue you in on my ass-attack and why I was feeling so craptastic (pardon the pun) all last week. It started the day before Thanksgiving with what I ass-umed was hemorrhoids. It's not something I suffer from often, but when you've had jobs that require you to be on your feet and walking for hours and hours, the 'roids can "rear" their ugly head from time to time. Nothing a little "brown eye cream" can't take care of. But it's still painful and if it flares up at work, well, it can make a shift until you can get home to a hot bath and some Prep H seem interminable. By Thursday, I had added the runs to my repertoire of Thanksgiving gross-outs and by that night, I was running a low-grade fever that came and went for days.

I'm not sure when the spasms started. You know when you're having a piss and the door buzzer rings and you just know it's the UPS guy with the package you've been waiting for so you pinch off the stream so you don't miss the delivery? It's totally voluntary. Well that particular spasm kept happening to me over and over again. All day and night. Sitting down, standing up, attempting to sleep. And they were painful spasms. Really, really painful. As I described it, it was like someone sneaking up behind you and jamming a white-hot metal pipe up your ass and yelling "surprise!" There was no warning, and no rhyme or reason to when it happened. Although walking seemed to increase the frequency, so I started avoiding that whenever possible. But even the simplest of movements, like reaching for a water glass, could cause me to shift just enough in my center to trigger a spasm. Which soon enough would result in me crying out in pain followed by a lot of cursing. It was exhausting. Because the spasms would cause me to clench every muscle from the waist down, my leg muscles grew sore. I was sleep deprived, being woken by waves of pain every hour. The pain and spasms continued through the weekend, and I did still have a case of The 'Roids. Add in some HIV meds-induced diarrhea and basically nothing good was associated with my ass for several days. And that's saying something.

Finally Monday came and with it, the return of normal business hours. I wasn't much improved and put in a late afternoon call to my doctor. Do I feel thankful that I even have a regular doctor that will return my call within an hour or two of my making it? Yes I do, but unfortunately he couldn't see me that day or the next. I explained that with the pain I was in I wasn't even sure if I could make it to work the next day and I didn't care who I see as long as I see someone. With that, he made an appointment for me with another doctor two days later with the advice that if my condition worsened I should get to an emergency room. By then, I most definitely didn't feel I was getting any worse and decided to wait it out.

Now you know by the time Wednesday night came and my appointment was coming up most of my symptoms had subsided don't you? Of course they had, and I debated keeping the appointment at all. But I was still a little tender and I was curious what the hell went wrong with my innards so I ended up going. I ended up getting cultures done from anywhere on my body that had a hole (yes, there too), a quick urinalysis that came back negative (for what, I never found out) and a digital inspection of my innards. Commonly called a finger wave, if I recall correctly. The diagnosis? Bacterial infection of some sort that resulted in prostitis. The source? No way to know for sure but here's a telling exchange between me and the kindly doctor:

Her: "Have you had any unsafe sex in the past couple of weeks?"

Me: "No, not in a long long time."

Her: "Including oral sex?"

Me: (pause) "Oh. You're counting that?"

Regardless of the source she ended up prescribing a butt shot of antibiotics as well as a back up oral dose and an admonishment to avoid bumpin' uglies with another man until Mary's typhoid was cured. Not really a problem as my aching innards and my ass 'roids made me feel about as sexy as Tara Reid asleep in her own vomit. And there you have it, one minor medical "crisis" survived. And me just a day or two away from being back to my ass-tounding self. Sorry.

MY ASS (Part 2)

So I'm takin a spin around my blog links and I find myself down under with one post in particular a source for inspiration. Nobody appreciates a nice butt shot more than me. As I said, it was early in the day and I found myself inspired, challenged even, to come up with an equally appealing hiney pic. I took several timer shots 'till I felt I got what I was looking for. Unfortunately, I failed to take into account the butt load of antibiotics I had shot in my ass the day before. And I had no idea she had bandaged me afterward. So you tell me, even as damaged goods, how's my ass?

No comments: