well, didn't this day just suck
To the crackhead editor of The Blade who actually e mailed me this:
Thanks for the letter. It will run in the next issue. Can you tell me what
neighborhood or town you live (or work, for that matter) in? We use that
with the name of the person writing the letter.
Thanks!
STEVE WEINSTEIN
EDITOR
NEW YORK BLADE NEWSPAPER
333 Seventh Avenue
14h Floor
New York City 10001
212.268.2701 ext. 16
Cell: 917.957.1355
Fax: 212.268.2069
And then didn't publish it.
Thanks, shithead. I told all my friends/co-workers the letter was being published. They know I didn't lie but you made me feel like shit.
I was already in a foul mood because I haven't heard from Neo in a couple of weeks. I sent a couple of emails they weren't anything with a hidden message just funny crap that I stumbled on and stuff I thought he would find interesting or amusing. The same thing I do for all my other on line friends. Did I get a response or a phone call or a you have too much time on your hands message? No. And if I'm not going to get any kind of friendship out of this relationship the control freak in me wants to at least be the one who ends it. I didn't even get a response after I reported my near dental disaster by text message on Wednesday. So I had pretty much decided that I wasn't going to hang around him tonight at the bar because what, I'm gonna stand around sharing all this personal stuff with someone who claims to care about me (AS A FRIEND- I know. Be quiet!) and then after the weekend's over leave me to twist? That's not the kind of friend I am or need. But I guess truth be told, (and this is what this whole blog is about, the truth) if he had called or he had responded I might have become all optimistic I guess that something might come of it and then I'd be right back where I said I didn't want to be. And it's all fucked up anyway now, he asked me eventually how I'd been and I told him I had joined that Gay outdoor Adventure group I found to which he hands me a big cup of "Wha?"
"You know, I e-mailed you the other day."
"Oh well I haven't checked it in a few days I've been so busy at the hospital and things."
-advance tape-
"So how's P---- Mom?"
"OK for now they performed surgery on her and she lived but she's not conscious yet."
"Is she gonna make it?"
"I'm not sure I haven't talked to P--- in a few days.
so is it your testimony sir, that you were both busy at the hospital with P--- and yet not with P---- the last few days. If it please the court, I submit that the true focus of that lame ass excuse should be "and things" meaning both "with the boyfriend" and "not with you".
And it sucks that I've sent him that message that I'm so bothered by this relationship that he has to make up excuses for why were not hanging instead of, I'm seeing someone now and spending time with him. And isn't that just an age old story? Where you're friends with somone till they meet a guy and then you're yesterday's news. I don't think I've ever experienced that before. At least I'll know when it does come up to try and tell the friend feeling scorned that he may want to admit he has feelings for "the friend" which is why he's feeling so left out. Because again, truth be told, if I wasn't refusing to expose myself to my friend's new relationship, Neo would have no problem including me in more of his life. I'm the one who just can't stand it. Ugh! I think I'm really ready to pull the trigger on this whole thing. Don't panic, no actual guns involved. I need to just end this failed friendship once and for all or try to talk it out with Neo. I know we could probably talk it through just fine but do I want to admit my feelings and what does it say about me at this stage of my life that I'm still going through this kind of high school turmoil? I sound like I'm 22.
Related but also not. I've had this feeling all day today like I'm in mourning. I was near tears two or three times today especially once at the gym when I glanced in the mirror. I knew instantly what it was. I'm morning the fucked up fuck up-ness (see above). I'm mourning the end of my youth. I don't see an old man looking back just yet. But I've aged, and you can really see it now. Or at least, I can. And for some reason, I was mourning being HIV+ today. It was really on my mind and bugging me and I don't know why. I feel fine. My Dr's visit last week was great. No change in Tcell count no change in viral load. No need for medication see ya in a couple months. My dentist visit, although slighly traumatic was OK too. I'm a crappy brusher and flosser. I'll do better. So why was being HIV+ bugging me so much? It just was?
