From The Ashes ...

We interrupt your normal blog for this special bulletin from Buffalo, NY.

Well, outside of Buffalo actually. In a little suburb called Tonawanda. Near the mighty Niagara River (and Falls). No, this is not the same as when someone says they're going upstate. Upstate is like by car or train maybe an hour, hour1/2 north and west. This is, well, almost Canada. Waaaaayyy accross New york around 490 miles I believe. I've come to visit the dysfunctionals. I had been meaning to come for a while but the weather back home had been so crappy that traveling from a cold rainy place to another cold rainy place seemed stupid. But I have been feeling such guilt over not seeing my neice that a trip home was in order. My Dad had just had a quadruple bypass (followed by a triple lutz into a sit spin), and was back home conval...., convales.... errr resting so it seemed prudent to get here while he was still weak. I kid the breeding pair what birfed me.
Honestly, I had managed to turn my visit into some pilgrimage/penance trip of obligation and was running around at work wringing my hands about what I was going to do for four days and where would we go and how would I keep busy. The morning of my trip I was walking to the bank to check my finances/pay some bills. Still the internal dialogue running: "Well, great. Now that he's still at home recuperating we won't be able to do anything really. A trip to my uncle's house on the lake is out. We'll be lucky to get out to dinner even. The new casino in Niagara Falls is probably a big fat no as well. He won't be able to walk around so soon. I really will be stuck in that god forsaken town with no car (I don't have a license) and no way of getting anywhere (we're close enough to the midwest that everyone here travels everywhere by car, even the mailbox a block away, so public transportation has never caught on) this is going to suck, suck, suck. I was excited to see my neice but what the hell was I going to say to "those people" for four and a half days?
Now you can call it the wisdom that comes with my advancing years, or 20+ years of work on a spiritual self that is finally starting to show some payoffs, or maybe it is another bonus of newfound wisdom that comes with being HIV positive. But as I was walking to the bank on a glorious summer day it suddenly hit me. And I says to myself I says: You know, Helen ( I don't always refer to myself as Helen when I talk to myself. Sometimes it's Nancy. Or simply Dutchess) chances are that unless I get hit by a falling piano (always a possibility) I fully expect to outlive my parents and possibly an increasingly stressed out brother. Losing my sister suddenly several years ago only served to hammer home that which I already knew. You don't move to NYC right smack dab in the middle of an AIDS epidemic without learning (assuming you're paying attention) that it could all be over in a snap. So why don't you quit all your whining and moaning and get your tired newly taught ass on that fucking plane and go enjoy your family for a few days while you still have them? And like that, she was feeling better. So yesterday afternoon I left the house around 2:45 pm and arrived in Tonawanda, NY by about 6:45. (PS does everyone know that for two bucks you can get on the crosstown L at 14th st and stay on trains and buses all the way to Kennedy? It takes a few tries to get there fastest but come on, two bucks! A true bargoon.) My mom has a moustache. How I'm gonna bring that up I have no idea. My niece met me at the airport as well and she did that quiet, nervous thing she tries every time but I just start talking like my last visit was last week and as soon as she sees that all is status quo we pick right up. I'll tell you sometime about my theory as to how we formed this special bond. I have thought about it. But for now I prefer to relax and enjoy it. My Dad looked pretty good as well. About what you'd expect when someone slices your entire leg open to harvest some artery and then cracks open your chest to get at your heart to install new pipes. I expect the same as those stupid mooks who thought they would go a few rounds in the hotel lobby with Tyson. Girl, I bet their Mommas felt those punches! So today I spent the day with Caitlin, I did get maddeningly bored around 3pm but we went for a walk around the block to confirm, yep every house pretty much looks the same. Had dinner with my brother and sis and their sig. o's. Typical Buffalo fare. Nothing over 11 dollars and a heaping mountain of whatever you order. You need to store fat for the winter.
In case you're wondering, cause I was for a while, no, I won't be disclosing my HIV status on this trip. I thought about it. And even though I think I've made my peace with the situation I wan't to walk around with it a little while longer. Just keep it in my own pocket for a while and make sure I know what my general feelings are before I talk to them. Besides there has been quite a bit of bad knews in the family lately with people dying and suicides and Dad's surgery. And before you think I'm being all noble and trying to not add to the family's burden right now consider this: I will at least cop to the fact in these pages that there is an aspect to my personality that feels that were I to disclose my HIV status now, I might not get the attention and reaction I want versus if I wait a year and transform myself into the brave little soldier that carried the burden alone. I'm not proudly telling you that somewhere inside me I'm capable of this kind of manipulation but clearly, it's there. Maybe I'll wait untill then to have the moustache talk......

So. Chances are I'll be posting every day for the next couple of days. They tend to settle in for the night around midnight. (10pm for Mom) I owe you a whole slew of pictures. From the tea party as well as from Gay Pride. But it will have to wait till I get back home. Until then It's all Buffalo, all text all the time.
Till tomorrow......