Neo has a boyfriend....and a poltergeist.
And neither one of them are me. Actually, the boyfriend has been around for a bit. About 2 months I guess. I didn't want to say anything for fear of making it real. But it is. I have to deal with it. So I am. It has been an extremely difficult test of where I am in the evolution of my spirit. Do I mean all the crap I spout about taking things to a higher level spiritually? If so, than I should be happy that my friend, someone I claim to care for has met somebody that he cares for. And I am. I truly, truly am happy for him. But does my happiness for him negate the pain I feel that the person isn't me? Should it? My feelings don't always have to be cut and dried, black or white do they? Can't I have a grey area? And if I meant what I said about a relationship not working out (and let me tell you, the guy you're in love with fucking another guy will really put a damper on the possibility) then in a roundabout way this is a good thing, right? Tell that to my stomach ache. So now it becomes a question of do I want to maintain the friendship we've developed the last couple of years and somehow fold this new relationship in or do I just chuck the baby and the bathwater and move on? There is where I'm struggling. Neo sensed my distress at first and gave me a lot of room but slowly he's been mentioning the boyfriend and how they woke up together or went shopping (Now that frosts my butt, you can have sex with the guy and hold his hand but you SHOPPED WITH HIM?. You bastard!). And really that part has been OK. But I totally dislike actually seeing them together, seeing them walk away together, wishing it was me. And I did break that movie date with Neo last week and I'll tell you why. As he does often Neo was inviting other people to join us that night and I was in the room while he was talking to his friend David. Obviously the subject of who was going came up and the answer was "my manager" and "my boyfriend". I bet you think the boyfriend part got me. Not so. I'm his manager? Not his friend? Not T--?. Then what the fuck is the movie thing, do I seem like some lonely middle aged guy you have to invite along? Second, it was obvious that David said no so now I'm privy to the fact that I'm facing the prospect of going on a movie date with the man I'm in love with and his boyfriend. I'm enlightened and spiritually evolved I'm not fucking Sooperman. There was no way in hell. Draw me a warm bath and hand me that razor. So I don't know how this thing is going to shake out. Part of me says to just stay away but I miss him when we don't spend time together and we're actually almost forced to spend time together because of work and If I totally changed the work relationship it would be completely obvious what was causing it which in another roundabout way would be admitting how I feel. Besides I can in fact separate the personal from the work and I like our relationship at work and how much would that suck and how un-evolved would I be if I let this new relationship fuck that up? That would be a childish old me (like six personalities ago) thing to do. Who knows maybe they'll fall so madly in love that I'll just get sick of the whole thing. Problem ovah.
I know you're dying to ask. What's the boyfirend like? You want me to get all nasty and rip him to shreds don't you? You're not paying attention. I could try and tear him down as if that would somehow make me feel better or lift me up in my own mind but I don't need to. My sense of spirit is not built on denigrating someone else anymore. Besides, from what I can tell, and again I try not to look at them directly, the motherfucker seems pretty nice. He's extremely quiet. Seems very thoughtful and pretty passive. Are you ready for this? It made me feel a little bit better about the whole thing. Remember I said I learned quite a bit at the tea party that day but I wasn't sure what it all meant? The boyfriend is Neo's father. The last boyfriend was a version of Neo's father as well I just didn't know it cause I hadn't met him yet. I don't know if Neo is aware of it but he seems to be gravitating towards men like his Dad. I've done it myself in other relationships. I'm sort of doing it now. And it's one of the reasons why I don't think we could really work together anyway. I'm much more Neo's mother and he idolizes/rejects her at every chance he gets. I'm loud and bossy and decisive and aggressive and someone who takes charge quickly. He couldn't tell me what to do and I'm sure we'd fight like dogs. Still, it would have been nice to find that out. I try to remind myself about how far I've come. If Neo, or any man for that matter can't appreciate me for what I am, what I'm becoming, it's his loss.
yesterday Neo and I had a talk after an awkward silence. He seemed upset about something and not speaking so I let him be. I think you do that sometimes for friends. You don't try to move them away from something upsetting just because it makes you uncomfortable. I noticed after a bit that he had taken out the tarot cards and was obviously reading himself. After a coulple of sighs I sort of took as my cue to ask "anything good?" nope lots of bad in the cards. I was gonna volunteer to a reading maybe throw in some of my good mojo to shuffle the decks for him when he related a story. According to Neo he was asleep recently, half awake I should say, and with L---- when he bacame aware of a presence in the room. He claimed the presence didn't feel threatening or angry more annoyed or disciplinarian like a cop or teacher. He said he got a look at the presence but wasn't clear on whether or not he was truly awake or not. I think his brain just constructed a face for him to process the information. Then he went further and decibed a series of sensory manifestations that he couldn't explain. They all involved the strong smell of cigarettes, like we used to get before the anti-smoking laws were passed, where you smelled it on your clothes, your hair, your skin, etc. Once he was in bed with L---- and Neo woke to the smell. Another time, also in bed with L----, and L-----kissed him good morning and then he (L----) commented on the smell. The third time Neo was alone in the car I believe going to his old boyfriend's place and the car filled up with cigarette smell. What did I think? Well first, I had opened up the empath tap as soon as I saw the tarot cards out. As soon as Neo started talking about a presence I started scanning him to see if I could sense anything. I couldn't. The funny thing is, I knew this day would come and I think maybe come up again and again. Neo will need my empathic/spiritual abilities on more than one occasion during out time together. I was thankful that I had done some work just recently to keep my abilities pure when it came to Neo and his boyfriend. I don't want to be tempted to use it to hurt anyone. So sensing no presence around him now I tried to connect with the presence through Neo to see if I could get an impression. It's hard because my empathic skills have me dealing with feelings and emotions so I can't always find words for them at first. I didn't feel anything threatening at all from my scan if anything I felt irritation and annoyance but nothing to be afraid of. Neo, or someone close to him, thought it might be his Grandfather trying to get his attention, but I wasn't so sure. I firmly felt that Neo wasn't connected to this presence really at all. How to explain that? I couldn't at first. But sometimes processing is a process and eventually, something clicked. Neo isn't attached to this presence because it belongs to L----. I swear, I'm not saying this in a bad way because I don't believe this is a bad spirit. I'm just saying that it belongs to L---- but Neo is the one it's affecting. Why? Because it can.
