Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I'll Have A Ketel One And Vodka ...

Ask any bartender you know how many times someone has ordered that at a bar, and when you repeat it back to them verbatim with the requisite arch of the eyebrow they confidently nod their heads and assert yes, that's what I want all right. At which point you gently (or not, depending on how late it is, and how many boneheads like this are in the crowd) point out that Ketel One is a vodka and ordering a vodka with vodka is just stupid.

Which brings me to last night and me volunteering to tend bar for the staff Christmas party at work. Yes, in restaurant/nightclub land we have to postpone our own party until January so we can spend all of November/December making money off of yours. I actually was looking forward to it for a few reasons, not the least of which is it helps your credibility all around if the staff sees you actually know how to do the things you ask them to. They, and I, have worked for plenty of bar managers that couldn't pull a bar shift if their life depended on it, much less cobble together a simple round for a waiting table. So I upped my respect quotient by several points after last night. Plus, while I don't experience the crushing social anxiety I did when I was drinking, I'll never be totally at ease in a party setting, but one place I'm completely confident and at ease is behind a bar. I love having a couple of feet of wood between me and everyone else. And it's almost like being on stage. It certainly is very much like a performance if you're doing it right. You make drinks as well as conversations. You dance, make fun of people, monitor their drinking, clean up after them and anticipate what they want and give it to them before they ask. I can't tell you how many people said to me last night, with a bit of surprise, "You're a good bartender."

"I know."

The one thing I did forget is how critically important it is to have the proper footwear for that job. I was always partial to Reebok all black sneakers with gel inserts. I even remember when we didn't have gel for inserts. I think they used hay. But I can say with absolute certainty that a cute pair of slip-on Vans and a thin pair of Peds is most definitely not the correct footwear for bar tending. As my feet were absolutely throbbing by the time I made it home and walked the dog. Plus, like sex, tending bar involves a set of muscles that atrophies without use. And while my shift was only five hours long, that's five hours more bar tending than I've done in several years.

Still, it's nice to know I still got it.

I wonder if I'm any good at sex anymore. Talk about underused muscles. christ!

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