Sunday, September 25, 2005

Baby Cried The Day The Circus Came To Town

I've been feeling really down. God, what a lame opening line. And what a load of bullshit. I haven't been feeling "down." What I've been feeling is abject despair. I peer into my own future and what once seemed limitless now appears to be nothingness. I find no joy in the day to day no spark of creativity other than this on-line gnashing of the teeth.

As encouraged to by a few thoughtful readers I contacted my Doctor. It was last Thursday, and I was getting ready for my interview. Or trying to get ready. Picking out a shirt became a chore. I thought I looked crazy. Truth to tell, I still feel the pic I posted looks like I may snap at any moment, but it's possible I'm seeing more than what's there. I don't trust my own eyes. Nor my judgement. I can tell that not everything's real. I'm unsure of what is and what isn't. He did respond that day. To inform me that nothing he prescribed could be causing my symptoms. He thoughtfully left his number so we could talk further. I called him. I already have his number. Fuckin dumb-ass. Oh and, as an aside, this sort of means I'm crazy after all.

I've lapsed into a depression. I've described them here before. Those of you who suffer from it already know it far too well. Unfortunately, my years of experience dealing with depression has only shown me that you really can't. I mean, knowing what it is and doing anything about it are two different things. And I'm not convinced the meds aren't causing it. But I had brunch with Neo today, and while that in itself was comforting, if not distracting, he also is someone I trust who made some good points.

Being HIV+ can suck sometimes. Over and over. Sometimes it doesn't suck for a couple of years or months. But then it sucks again for another sucky reason. From sex to work to dating to Dr. appointments. And right now being HIV+ for me has been the suckiest. From going on the meds to being forced to tell my boss. I hate having to set my phone alarm every day for midnight for my second dose reminder. I hate having to remember to put the extra dose in my bag when I take the first one.I hate the fact that I get flushed for fifteen minutes every day twice a day and sweat like I'm menopausal. I resent the daily reminder that I've got an illness. As I sobbed uncontrollably last week, overwhelmed at the thought of a job interview and then a meeting with my brother then a full night at work: I. Feel. Weak.

And I hate weakness. In myself or others. And so I'm angry. At everyone around me and myself. And every step I take as I wander aimlessly around the city I used to love feels like plodding hoplessness. Neo says it's normal. Or as "normal" as someone like me can manage. I've lost control to a virus, and I don't give up the wheel easily. I just don't know how to go on from here. I don't even know why.

Update:
I received an E-mail offering me a new job managing a club. It appears the job I wanted will be mine, however no details regarding salary, hours, etc.. have been discussed. So it could all still fall apart. The head space I'm in now says it will all turn to shit. My hopeful soul is in there cheering me on. Stay tuned.

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