Well ...

she threw quite the blog hissy fit, didn’t she? “I’m not sure I can continue this blog. It’s intolerable.” Pur-leeze. Slice of melodrama, hold the mustard. I do have an explanation. Several in fact. I’m just coming out of another depression. This one lasted about two or three weeks. I’m not sure what the trigger was. I’m not sure if the trigger isn’t permanently pulled, and I’m destined for great highs and soul-crushing lows forever. I know that by the time I bottomed out (hehe “bottomed”) last week I hated everyone and everything about my life. My job was too hard, my friends are totally selfish, my writing sucks, I got fat, I have no time for anything. You can see it all over my previous posts. Unfortunately, I can’t always see it when I’m in it. Part of the side effect of the depression is that I’m constantly exhausted, and I have trouble organizing my thoughts. I may write down a list of things to do but then I forget to check the list. I was dehydrated. I had a headache every single day right behind my eyeballs. Life, the struggle to continue, seemed pointless. While not suicidal, I can much better identify with those that are during my dark periods.

Writing becomes difficult when you’re feeling like a fraud. You don’t have easy access to the inside voice. So when I did manage to break through and put together several coherent paragraphs that became full fledged blog entries with a point of view and a beginning, middle and an end, you can imagine my distress at seeing it all go “poof”. You get very possessive of the things you have to go inside and dig out with a shovel to show the other kids on the playground. And both times, I used my distress to root out some things that were intensely personal, and painful to relive. And of course, in the midst of depression, losing a blogpost is akin to the end of life as we know it. I’ll never get that back! It was perfect and now it’s gone! Honestly, big deal. I managed to string together a few sentences and tell a story. I wasn’t curing cancer. Besides, as someone so wisely pointed out: I DID compose the thoughts in my mind and get it out of me. That is the point. Just because nobody saw it doesn’t mean it never happened. Thank you. And I will try to revisit the subjects again. But I’m sure they will be brand new creations. My writing changes when I’m depressed.

And while I’m thanking people I would like to formally thank all the people who were nice enough to sponsor me for the AIDS Walk. As a team we raised over a thousand dollars. For the day the total was 5.8 million, making it the largest AIDS fundraiser in the world.

I usually learn a few interesting facts about myself that get born out of the darkness. This time was no exception. I learned I’m still reacting with the brain of a 20 something boy. Even though I have the mirror to remind me I am clearly not. I forget to cloak myself in the experience I’ve amassed, both at work and in my daily interactions. I may not be anyone’s definition of mature, but somewhere along the way I got all growed up. Sure, I make mistakes. The day I don’t believe that will always be will never come. But I also know I rarely repeat the same mistake twice. Except when picking boyfriends. My lack of confidence in myself and my abilities is not supported by the things I have done, or the things I can do. My fear is illogical. Hopefully, this realization can take root and somehow replace the voice of whomever it is who keeps calling me stupid. The one that makes me doubt. I wonder what my Dad is up to?

So I never really left, but I guess I’m back to stay. I am taking a few days off work to try to rest up some. I want to change the tone of my work a bit. I’d like to see if I can compose some longer pieces with better narrative. I’m not sure what form it will take but I want to give it a try. I’d also like to add more visuals to the site. And I will definitely be composing my work in another program before it ever shows up here. Lesson learned.