From The Ashes ...

Ruminations

It's just after 2 am. There are various thuds and thumps coming from The Hellcat's room where he's holed up with "a friend from New Jersey". I'm assuming some sex is involved and for that, I say you go, sistah. I fear, however that drugs may be involved and if that proves to be the case I'm going to be pretty fuckin pissed to say the least. I said up front that I didn't want drugs in the house, not out of some prudish "Just Say No" hypocrisy, but because doing drugs in the house attracts people who do drugs, which results in the aftermath of being in a house where people do drugs. By that I mean theft, and things being broken, and people without boundaries. As it is, I've taken to hiding my cash when I go to bed at night. Not in the least because I'm afraid The Hellcat would take it, but when I don't know the people he considers "friends" and so far, it seems most of his friends have one thing in common: drugs. (It was only after finishing the first draft of this did I come to find out that his "friend" opened and closed The Ex's door at 7 am this morning.) Was he confused in an unfamiliar apartment? Or seeing what he could help himself to? Or so high he was just stupid? I feel ... uneasy.

As to my general living experience with The Hellcat, it's going OK. As a person, I like him tremendously. When sober he is funny and thoughtful and we share a lot of the same interests. But someone once told me that when somebody falls into addiction, they freeze at whatever age the addiction first takes hold. If that's the case, I would have to say The Hellcat's difficulties started around mid-twenties, since that's the age he seems to become when high. Exposing the people you live with to your wayward tweaked-out trick du jour is very faggot-in-your-20's.

My frustration is growing however regarding the arrangements for his housing. I thought it was all sorted but, as I've seen from others in the past, when you're dealing with New York City and the Social Services network, they will find a way to fuck it up and fuck with you. So it's not that surprising that what we had believed to be settled turned out not to be. The thing is, the only way this is going to be fixed is for The Hellcat to take care of it. During the day. When the offices are open. Getting out of bed at 3:30 in the afternoon (it was 5 today) isn't gonna cut it. It's not good enough. And as an aside, he's indirectly playing fast and loose with my home. The Ex is fully expecting to begin paying 1/3 of everything. I absolutely cannot afford to cover 2/3. So backed up against a wall, the only logical choice for me is to put things back the way they were before. Pre-Hellcat. As it stands right now, I'm a month behind in rent. That makes me extremely uncomfortable. If the prospect of falling behind another month begins to loom, I'll be forced to take corrective measures.

The frustrating part is that aside from Social Services, The Hellcat has many avenues to some substantial cash. They all involve the same thing. A couple of weeks of sustained work. But it's seeming more and more that anything that derails sitting on your ass and doing nothing and fucking and doing meth and the accompanying paranoid delusions and the two day recovery period are just not a priority. And I fear that by arranging for his housing to be provided I may have indirectly enabled the whole thing. I had hoped, I had believed, that he wanted to get better. I have seen no evidence that this is true. Curiously, I'm not sure what is causing which. Is the drug addiction rendering him unable to focus on one thing for an extended period? Is the obvious depression rendering him unable to see that the drug addiction is the source of all his problems? He has access to all the free counseling and therapy available and the time to do it. Is his refusal to avail himself of it further evidence that he doesn't want to get better and end this nonsense? How do you show someone they're in trouble if they don't seem to want to know? How much of this is brain damage? And how much is permanent?

The Hellcat is scheduled to leave for a trip to California on the 7th of next month. I'm going to at least need his housing situation sorted out by then or I'm afraid it's time for me to kick another addicted, broke, HIV+ gay man out onto the street. I love my life.