From The Ashes ...

This is cool.

I didn't mention it before because it came together really fast. I started attending a discussion group for newly diagnosed HIV positive men. We'll be meeting every Tuesday for 10 weeks. It's a relatively open discussion with two facilitators I guess to jump in should things go all wonky or need intervention. I'm planning on recounting everything here as best I can but I promise I won't reveal anything to identify anyone in the group except for myself. There are 10 guys in the group and as always in this type of setting I am stunned by the diversity. I should know by now that 10 people = 10 stories but I'm always surprised not by the similarities we share (there are many) but by the differences. Everyone has their own reality. They range in age from late 20's to almost 50. Some of them are coming in being diagnosed weeks (!) ago and they have that deer in the headlights quality to them. Some just seem so very scared. Some seem to be dealing. One thing I hadn't counted on. A few are like me. Recently diagnosed but healthy enough to not be on medication. So at this point it's just bi-monthly blood tests and trying to take care of things. But a few of these guys are recently diagnosed and seriously immune compromised. One guy had started taking medication the day our group first met. Another had started medication and had suffered through some awful (for him) side effects and come out the other end already. Another tested positive and relatively healthy while his lover (in another group) tested positive and totally compromised.

I would have sex with at least three of them. Maybe four. (If you weren't wondering, I was)

So the first meeting was kind of awkward in a getting to know you here's my insides kind of way. I was way more nervous than I thought I would be but that righted itself pretty quickly. I made a promise to myself similar to the one I made when I started this diary. I am striving to be honest and genuine when I'm with the group. To tell the truth as I see and feel it. I've also made a promise to myself not to care about how I "appear". Not to think about what they think about me. I failed miserably. I was totally aware of how I think I sounded. The only thing I succeeded in was not caring. I felt like this Depak Chopra kind of new age mystic I've read too much self help kind of group hug guy. Because I totally am right now.

Case in point: We touched on a variety of topics that I know we'll get more in depth on later. But the thing that stood out (for me) in this session was how much some of the guys are focused on the future. What will the medication (when I have to go on it) do to me? I'm afraid of that wasted face I might get from being sick. I heard you can get a humpback (I swear!) from certain meds. What if I lose my job? My insurance?. So here I go spouting off about how we've been given a great gift in a way. When I moved to NYC in 1987 (!) the AIDS pandemic was raging. At that time, people were dropping like flies. They would get sick and be dead in six months. It was so frightening. And it was then that I first faced questions about my own mortality. I wasn't even 30 yet and seriously considering how I felt about dying. And that was the gift. Because I don't believe that most people (or most straight men) get to that point until they are well into their 60's or later or ever. It explains a lot of the horrible things people do to each other. But if you take the time to understand that death is real and always a possibility, indeed you get no guarantees when you leave the house every day that you're coming back, and you make your peace with that fact. The fear will go away. You will see that an awareness of your own mortality is a great gift. That your daily life is the reward. And to spend time worrying about things that may happen if you might go on medication and you might get hit by a falling piano if you maybe walk down a certain street is just so much wasted energy. If you're lucky, the future will unfold no matter what you do. Just wait for it, and enjoy the present. Here, have a flower. Tra-la.

Just so we're clear, this was a bad thing right? Not just a fun date?