E-Mail to Neo from me
I wanted to finish the thought on the phone. I was really surprised to hear from one of the guys that his TCell count and viral load fluctuate wildly all on their own and he's still not taking medication. Had I not heard this and experienced a sudden change I might have been talked into starting medication before it was necessary.
But I wanted to go back and talk about what you said about not pulling back the aggressive side to my personality while also encouraging me to try and quiet the "mothering" side to it. You can't have it both ways. It seems I need to do some work in learning to accept the aggressive parts of my personality. I've always acknowledged it but that doesn't mean I'm still not a little.....I don't know.....embarrassed by it. I'm smart. And I express myself verbally pretty well. Because of that I can frequently get people to do what I want. Or make them think that's what they decided. And I use that ability frequently but it does make me uncomfortable because it smacks of manipulation. I make myself uncomfortable sometimes. But I appreciate what you said about me helping the group see it was a waste of time to schedule a meeting with a nutritionist. When I think of it in those terms it doesn't seem so bad.
However, having said that, you have to understand that you can't ask me to accept my aggression and reject my ability to nurture. I understand what you're saying and why, I think. You're trying to get me to use this time in the group to really focus on me, on my needs. And I'm doing that I really am. But to try and get me to shut down my natural impulse to help is really like asking me to stop breathing. I may be embarrassed by my aggressive streak but I long ago accepted that my desire to help others and ease their pain is a core value that I thank the spirits for. And besides, I did only tell you the story of the guy who is seriously depressed. I didn't do anything for him (so far) but listen as another member of the group. Of course, I thought about how I could help him, but I didn't act on it yet. But this is who I am. I don't think I could ever be entirely focused on me. I'm not sure it's even possible for someone like me. I feel other people's pain as if it were my own sometimes. I always see my side of a situation. My gift, or my curse, is I can also see and feel yours....and his.....and that guy's over there. It's taken me many years to understand and accept this. I can't shut it off now. I don't think I want to.
