Spare Any Change?

That sound you hear? That's the wheels falling off my financial wagon.

I racked up a huge amount of credit card debt when I was drinking. For most of the last 10 years I've managed to juggle it pretty well. But I was always robbing one account to pay off another, I would open new cards and charge off the balance, believing I had saved money somehow. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely knew that wasn't true. I was delusional not stupid. And as hard as I've been trying to pay down my debts, I'll never pay it all off. I feel it's my god-given right as a gay man to die with massive credit card debt. It's the trade off for not being able to catch anything thrown to us.

But as my drinking and all the accompanying mental impairment began to really take over, the amount of money I borrowed and spent increased. Meanwhile my ability to earn a living and hold down a decent job decreased. The result was tens of thousands in credit debt. I can't bear to really add it up. But I've been trying to chip away at it ever since I started my new job. And I was doing all right. I had paid off a $500 VISA card and was almost finished paying down another $1000.00. I slowly reduced other cards enough that the payments began to drop ever so slowly. I was always broke, but it started to feel like I had a little breathing room. Of course, that was a bit of a delusion as well.

For the past year, I've been behind on my rent. Right towards the end of my spiral, I wasn't working and wasn't really earning much. I was on food stamps and working a part time job in retail. The income in no way matched the outflow. The last couple of months before I quit drinking I basically used credit and my roommate's share of the rent to live on. I was a month behind, and then two months. And while I've been working and paying the rest of my bills more or less on time, I never got that back rent paid off or caught up. My landlord has been a saint, but apparently even he has his limits. The last couple of months, he has been sending me letters reminding me that my rent was due. He mentioned the 2 months as well but basically only insisted I not fall further behind. I didn't.

This month, I got another letter. He wants me to pay off the two months I'm behind. I'm confident he won't renew my lease in February unless I get this paid off soon. And he's as non-threateningly as possible threatening eviction proceedings. At first, the alcoholic in me kicked in and I got angry. At him. I've been doing so well and trying so hard, and now the fucking landlord wants the rent.

His rent. Of course, that's when it hit me. Well, not then but soon enough. How that kind of thinking was the result of my alcohol use. How I managed to view someone asserting that I behave responsibly as somehow the one who's at fault. I am so comfortable in the role as victim that I automatically cast myself in the part even when the facts don't bear it out. You see, that's the first step on the road to the liquor store. And if someone was going to come along and fuck up my life, well then I could do a much better job of that. Fuck it. Who cares?

But all the man wants is the rent he is due. The rent I owe. The money I've agreed in writing to pay. He's not doing anything to me. And up 'till now he's been beyond patient.

So I got over it. And set about figuring out how the fuck I would pay this off. I made a list. Between the back rent and the bills that would be due I will need about $4100.00. He wants it now but I'm sure I can stretch that until a week from Friday. It took me an entire afternoon to figure it out. And I'll have to almost max out every bit of credit I've built back up. I also have no idea what I'll do for spending money the next two weeks. There's nothing left.

But this isn't a complaint or a thinly veiled solicitation. If I was gonna hit you up for money I'd be much more pathetic sounding and blatant. And I'd find a way to work in a small tumor. And really, if I was about to be tossed out on the street I would swallow my pride and contact my parents or my brother, neither of whom is rich but they could certainly bail me out. I would be completely and totally mortified but I would do it.

This is me just trying to live in the truth. I haven't been writing as much and I haven't been talking in detail about my life since getting sober. And for the most part it has been wonderful. But one of the things they talk about in Gay-A is the consequences you have to face in your life when you get sober. And how just getting sober doesn't automatically solve all your problems. I think maybe this is one reason why some people get sober and then falter. They don't seem to realize that things will most assuredly not always go your way in the future. And that the past will still have to be dealt with and cleaned up. It's hard. And it's hard work.

I'm thankful I have the brains and resources to figure out what to do. I am absolutely blessed that when I needed to find $4100.00, I had managed to build up enough credit and earn enough money to cover it. I am completely aware that many people in this country wouldn't be able, and that still many, many more are much more worried about whether or not they will get a meal today at all. This turn of events ruined my weekend and stressed me out. I'll get through it.

The story goes on.