From The Ashes ...

Just Go Ahead And Jump, Everyone Else Is

Like almost everyone else, I'm posting (via The Stranger.com) what everyone else describes as hilarious. Unlike everyone else I think this advice is only good for sending fags on a lifetime road of self-loathing. As comedy, I think it's tragic. So despite the advice of my legal counsel I hereby and forthwith opt to deface it.




ADVICE FOR RECENT ARRIVALS
Dos & Don'ts & More Don'ts for Gay Boy Refugees
by Nate Lippens (Edited for content by Tom Tricoli)



So you made it out of that backwater town in one piece. Now comes the hard part--acclimating to a new place and living an openly gay life. Soon enough you will discover which bars cater to your distorted physical ideals, that meth is very bad, and that a deep tan is ugly and pre-cancerous-- (True, but a base tan is attractive and a tan line makes men get hard) but what about the other stuff? Here's a cheat sheet to save you some time and trouble.

1. You are not a strong black woman. You never will be. If it makes you aspire to be assertive, resourceful, opinionated and fierce go on wit' yo' Patti LaBelle self!

2. I know it was terrible being the fag in your school/small town/own mind, but don't introduce yourself to people with this information. Being gay is, and should be, the least interesting thing about you. (Do not listen to this. Find a T-shirt and slap "I suck dick" in big letters across the front. The personal is political, or haven't you been on the planet all year?)

3. If your mother is the greatest woman who ever lived, keep it to yourself. The holiday orphans don't want to hear it. On the flip side, your family will always be a part of you even if you never speak to them again, but try not to spend your life in reaction to them. (Or you could just get some therapy, resolve your family issues and spend the better part of 60 years not affected in the least by your childhood trauma. But maybe that's just crazy talk.)

4. Rainbow flags, bumper stickers, and wind socks are no different than Green Bay Packers fans painting their faces green and gold: a complete embarrassment. Pride can be as ugly and warping as shame. (I'll just highlight "embarrassment" and refer you back to #2.)

5. Gay life can be empty and depressing, but bitching about it outside the confines of a few close friends will get you tagged as bitter. Yes, the gay mainstream is alienating with its cookie-cutter bars, bad dance music, and Queer as Folk. It's enough to make you turn straight. But electroshock doesn't work and Jesus is a sci-fi character. (The gay mainstream is alienating if you allow yourself to be alienated, find the things you like and run with it. Pay no attention to what everyone else seems to like. And you will never turn straight ever no matter how hard you pray for it to be so.)

6. Don't fraternize with people who haven't come out. (By all means, turn your back on someone struggling with the very issues you've just faced. What's one more scared and confused proto-fag amongst the thousands?)

7. Your masculinity has most likely been called into question. Anything you do in reaction to it will be a failure. Don't try to prove or disprove anything. (But always be ready to kick the sorry ass of some pathetic self-hating fag who uses gay pride to reinforce every negative stereotype about what it means to live an out gay life.)

8. There is a difference between being effeminate and being a queen. Being effeminate is just that--being. Being a queen is an affectation. I can't throw a ball, but I don't call anyone "girl," even female children. (Adopting affectations is one of your most useful skills as a gay man. You must be able to adapt to new surroundings effortlessly. One word: manipulation. It's why people do things for you they don't for others. "Just do me this one favor girl.... please"?)

9. Avoid she-bonics: referring to each other as Girl, She, and Her. "What's her problem?" That you are an idiot. This includes: Bitchslap, Girlfriend, Shit pussy, Mangina. (This will guarantee that you're the sullen, unpopular, crushing bore that nobody but nobody will ever approach in a bar. Enjoy!)

10. Don't be a misogynist asshole. Leave the tuna jokes back in your small town with your usage of Jew as a verb. If it weren't for lesbians and feminism, we'd still be sucking cock in truck-stop restrooms. I mean exclusively. (I can't comment on this. It's common knowledge "I hate women." Unless they're maids. Or store cashiers. And we already know you give truckstop blowjobs to fat married 50 year olds. It's all your pathetic faggot ass deserves, right?)

11. I've never been to a bathhouse. No, really. So I can't advise you on it but I do know they are basically a petri dish of STDs. If you are okay with HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and other STDs, by all means fuck your brains out. (Because sex is a dirty, nasty thing. And you are a dirty, nasty thing for wanting sex. And when you have dirty, nasty sex you will get a disease and you will die. I hope you're happy you filthy faggot.)

12. Do not have black-and-white photos à la Bruce Weber taken of you and your beloved. And if you must, then don't hang them up as "art" in your home. (Gratuitous nudity of any kind is always most welcome. In movies, at the theater, or the changing room at Jones Beach. It's all good. If you've got the bod for porn by all means document it. You'll be glad you did in 30 years.)

13. Don't kiss and tell. Or fuck, suck, rim, or fist and tell. Think of your bedroom like Vegas: What happens there stays there. It will keep you from gossiping, which is the true heart of darkness, and will create a sense of mystery. Besides the cruelty of nicknaming someone Princess Tiny Meat (it would make a wonderful DJ name though), it isn't good karma. And what modestly endowed dude who sucks a mean cock is going to want to go home with you after that? (Who the fuck cares what a modestly endowed dude wants? And what proper fag says "dude"?)

14. Bros before hos. I learned this the hard way: Do not sleep with a friend's ex-boyfriend. Ever. Even if they say they don't care, they do. (Almost no one gay will ever use the term "bro". You absolutely can sleep with a friend's ex but this is the time to not kiss and tell. Fuck like bunnies, twice if you have to, and then shut your mouth.)

15. You are 200 times more likely to be an alcoholic than your straight counterparts. (Because being gay is sooo shameful and stressful and you're really only gay because you're weak.)

16. Beauty fades. Develop some inner resources, otherwise when it goes, those of us with less far to fall will laugh at you. To your aging face. (Then you will finally, after years and years of envy of people more fabulous, more popular, more diverse and maddeningly more happy then you ever were, finally you will feel slightly more superior for not getting rid of your back hair.)

17. Men, like lotto tickets, should not be had every day. The odds are the same. (Ya gotta be in it to win it. Have sex indiscriminantly and often. And never, ever feel bad about it.)

18. Romantic friendships will end up being neither. (But they are fun, frustrating, heartbreaking and the source of hours of phone conversations with your best "girlfiends". They are also the source of music, art and often really really bad poetry.)

19. Cultivate friendships with straight men. "But we have nothing in common," you say? Bullshit. You are men. Many straight men are in fact softer and sweeter than their faggoty brothers. (You barely need straight people at all. You definitely do not need straight men. You're "faggoty" brothers will do fine if you find ones that don't hate themselves.)

20. Make friends with at least one dyke, you silly faggot. When the shit goes down--for instance your mother dies--fags will drop you in an instant if you aren't fun. Dykes will come to your house with food. (Chris has my answer here. Yell at him for once. The "silly faggot" remark is "delicious".)

21. Don't make friendships based solely around how outrageous you are. It's a shitty kind of attention. (See Monday, June 21. I can and have cemented friendships based solely on a person's willingness to eat his boyfriend's ass in public. Will they last forever? Who cares! Will you laugh your ass off? Oh yes.)

22. Don't refer to anyone as a fag hag. It's rude. Also don't hang out with fag hags. (Disregard this note. Fag hags are so 80's. Just find a tattooed chick with big ole titties who isn't afraid to flash 'em if it means free shots. You'll be fine.)


23. Don't date people who have scars that are older than you. (I'll find this highly insulting sooner than I care to admit. You're fat, Nate)


24. After all of that, you are still not a strong black woman. (So for all you gay bloggers who linked to this today and said how "hilarious" it was and yes, I'm talking to you and you and also you. Why don't you really read what this man is saying? Take some time to think about what it was you responded to and found yourself identifying with. Maybe you've got less to be proud of about yourself than you think. Maybe you've got some work to do starting today.)

Happy Gay Pride, fuckers.