Several hours after I posted yesterday I got an e-mail message from Verizon.
Good News! DSLservice is ready on telephone line ###-###-####. You think they read my blog?
That's not important though. I need to get this out of me:
Message to Neo (why I can't sleep)
I hope you're happy.
I tried to medicate the despair
You don't love me like I need it, I know
And I'm pretty sure I've figured out that while I feel like I'm in love with you
I'm only in love with what you can be not what you are
I love future you.
But present me is still reeling
I know you know
I feel you feel me
I feel you too
I'm alone and you make me laugh
I want you to press yourself against me I want to feel your breath on my neck
I want to kiss you while you're inside me I want to make you moan
I want to touch your lips while you're talking to me when the sun comes up
How can you give that to another it's mine
I try to make myself into someone you would love and yet I can't I don't I won't
Turn myself inside out for you I've lived long enough to know
That won't work but still
I leave you drunken messages as I try to make sense and render senseless
my longing can you see me? I know what this is
What woke me what torments me what can I become for you with you beside you when it shouldn't have anything to do with you
After everything I've learned I know I think I feel after every secret I've unlocked every door I've opened every truth I've made my own
I find I'm back to the truth of longing the truth of laying my head against your chest and feeling the heat of your body confirming my own existence this is nonsense it's weakness
I'm not defined by you with you with you in me I'm not even with you
And yet, the thought of you with him any he
woke me up
