Digesting Neo's tea....
This will take some doin. I'm awake and have been since 7am which always means something big is about to take place. Or is taking place. I think it's that one. I learned something huge yesterday but I don't know what it is yet. It was enough to wake me up and it was enough that I know I have something to sort out but I'm not sure what it is exactly, yet. Neo had his tea party yesterday. The surface impressions: it was nice to spend the day outside the city. I dislike suburban life as a lifestyle, to me, it means taking the car to the mailbox and the mall and an insular little world instead of getting all in the soup with the rest of the people. (the people, A sharp hold your water) But living in Manhattan you don't realize all the time that you're living life in a constant state of hit the gas always going to or coming from or getting ready for or work work thinking about work. So it was nice to be able to get out and see TREES! and GRASS! and A STREAM! and hear the crickets at nite instead of car alarms and bar patrons slurring goodbyes.
But still.....undeneath all that I learned something.....something ....what is it exactly? Is it about me? About Neo? About me and Neo. That's it, I think but it's going to take a while to sink in. I feel restless and unsettled but strangely at peace. Like it's not a bad thing just a thing but I need to see the whole thing from a distance. Does that make sense?
By way of explaining: I closed the bar on Thursday night and it must have been around 4:30 in the morning I was on the corner of 58th and 2nd saying goodbye to The Hellcat. (Full disclosure) I want to have sex with him even though I know he's fucked in the head and full on his sex life is nastier ( i.e. leather/fisting lots of crystal) than I wan't for myself. I also know that on a one-time basis he'd be a hot/fun fuck. Anyway I got a sudden, overwhelming sense that something was wrong. Not with him so much as around him. I felt it in my palms. A sense, a feeling of discord. I asked him if everything was all right and he said yeah. I woke up the next day and the feeling lingered. I decided that maybe I was feeling something in myself and somehow projecting it on to M___. Last night he told me that a good friend had killed himslef that night. There.
Something big happened yesterday.....I'm just not sure what yet.
