I'd Like To Think

It was this past Thursday I was heading into work. My work week was just beginning and I'm on the late shift. It's 9:35pm and I'm walking into the subway station at 23rd/Park. (6 uptown. I take that one out of habit because when I was all phobic I took the 4/5 once and the 59th st 4/5 stop is below the #6 line. The only way to get out was by a long, looooooong escalator. I was afraid of escalators. I sooooo wish I was kidding about that) I need to get a new metrocard. I head for the machines. There are three and one is in use. The first machine is out of order. I hit start on the second and begin moving through the screens. When I get to the payment method screen is when the damn box decides to tell me it can't take bills. Piece of shit. Frustration builds. (I'm Sicilian, it don't take much) The third machine still in use I head to the token booth. (mutter mutter if I miss this train frogs will fall from the sky, Martha Stewart will go to jail, fire will rain down, BAD) I shove six dollars into the little slot thingy. My older than DIRT token attendant making 23 DOLLARS AN HOUR WITH FOUR WEEKS PAID VACATION AND 18 SICK DAYS A YEAR points me back to the machines. I find out later from friends this is a new shared experience among NYC residents. The token booth attendants don't sell metrocards and don't break bills so you can avoid getting those FUCKIN USELESS Susan B. dollars and of course they're out of maps and they do what exactly? And we care about them keeping their jobs why, exactly? Two dollars my shaved ass! Son of a bitch I say out loud and head back to the machines. Only because I have to get to work and it would take too much time to find a container, head to a gas station, fill the container, come back to the station, stick the container into the slot thingy, spray the gasoline on Moses and immolate the old lazy fuck, you get the picture.....
Back I go to the only machine working and still, the same guy is standing there. Come on! You fuckin freak just buy the fucking card how hard can it be?I'm at like 8.75 on the 10 point explosion meter when all of a sudden I hear this sound. Like a scared kid makes when they're afraid and frustrated. It's coming from the guy. I focus. His hands are shaking as he fumbles with the two dollar bills. I see the machine hasn't even asked him for the money yet. He doesn't know how. He really doesn't know how. I clock him. One pant leg is up too high and his hair is dirty. Not homeless. Obviously what.....slow? That's not pc.... disabled. He's a 'tard.... stop that. This is so sad. They make the system automated and forget that lots of people can't just come along into 2003. More mewling more shaking. Nope. That's not the way. Hey finally gives up and moves off to the side. I clear the screen and start my thing. I have to confess I had a brief impulse to get what I need and scoot but thank the spirits it's just an impulse and besides, I feel him looking at me breeze through the operation and while I don't know what he's thinking my empathic skills are on full throttle and I feel frustration and sadness and longing and really, I have no choice. I get my six dollar metrocard and turn and ask him if he needs help.
"I want a two dollar ride and can't get one" Yeah, no shit (it's only upon recounting this I add if the fucking overpaid useless tax dollar suckin bag of skin in the token booth would actually do something instead of sitting there shedding skin cells you wouldn't be having this problem) Let me help you. You want me to help you? I punch the screen start/get metrocard/single ride card. OK Shaky McShaky put your money in and pop! Here's your card. "That's it?" yep, that's it. "OK thank you" no problem.
Here's the thing. I was so angry, so frustrated myself but afterward, as I'm waiting for the train I'm thinking, what are the odds? That I would go to the subway at that time, stopping as I did for a sandwich and at the ATM. Then finding the first machine down then the second. Then encountering the token booth babysitter who literally just sits in a booth. Then finding myself back at the only machine that's working behind a guy who can't work it and needs.....my help. The universe has conspired to make it so that I'm exactly where I need to be. And I am no longer frustrated and I'm no longer angry and I take an enormous amount of comfort in the belief that sometimes, if you're paying attention, you end up exactly where you need to be even if you didn't know at the time you needed to be there. It's a beautiful thing to believe and so I do.