E-mail to Neo
Girl, I Snapped!!!
I woke up around 12:30. I had my usual morning coffee but only 3 or 4 cups over about 3 hours. I had a couple of bagels and some yogurt and then fooled around on line. Al Caholic stayed in The Ex's room all day (at his new job) and I stayed in mine. He boiled chicken ( I said boiled) for 2 1/2 hours. The whole apartment smelled of boiled meat. I was on edge all day. I finally got ready at 5:30 for my last group. I was walking across town just getting more and more worked up about how my home just isn't comfortable anymore and how much longer I'm going to have to put up with this situation and how unfair it is that I have to have this chaos in my home and job, and all the while counseling myself ( a benefit of multiple personality disorder) that I didn't really have to put up with it and I would have to put my foot down with The Ex and be "the bad guy" (if there really is one) in this situation. My vision started to blur and I tried to avoid running into people as I started having problems navigating the streets. I sat down at my group and by then I was shaking like a leaf and sweating. I wanted to jump back up and get out of there but I decided to try and tough it out. I talked a little and tried to listen but I wasn't sure I would make it. I was having a full fledged anxiety attack. Finally after about 40 mins one of the facilitators called me on it. He'd noticed I almost bolted. It all came tumbling out after that of how hard it is to take care of myself and The Ex and the house and the bar and R--- and R----- (who came to me crying because he doesn't understand why I cut his schedule) and I felt like the pressure was too much and I'm not strong enough to do it all and I'm tired, tired, tired. I swear, honey I ended up off my chair and sitting on the floor rocking back and forth saying "I can't, I can't, I can't." For real. She snapped. To their credit, my group allowed me to meltdown right in front of them. Once I got to the floor it was pretty clear to me that I needed to fix this Al Caholic situation right away. I made it through the group and felt much better out in the air. I came right home and just vegged out in front of my TV and finally managed to make some dinner despite a horrible headache. The Ex came back from his trip tonight and I told him the whole thing and that we had to do something right away. I explained that having Al here is like housing one of my customers and I've lost my last refuge. Supposedly, he's giving Al a bus ticket for tomorrow. He is too far gone and he needs way more help than an apartment and job.
Later on, The Ex sat next to me and told me I need to let him know when I'm feeling upset. He told me he is still in love with me (IN LOVE WITH) and would never let me be hurt. He said he'll take care of it, and I guess, in effect, me. And I'll let him.
