Monday, September 20, 2010

It's All About Maintenance

I had a very "I'm an alcoholic" day. I'm not one of those drunks who lives and breathes AA. I don't go to a meeting every day, but I do notice when I have skipped quite a few days in a row. And it's not always enough to just go. It's helpful if I participate. Talk when it's time. Stay after and talk with other AA's. It's even better when I do some service. Meet someone for coffee or do some volunteer work. Last year I chaired a meeting for 6 months, and that really helped me be active. Sitting in a meeting like a lump doesn't work for very long. Especially if I nod off repeatedly.

I've managed to step up my game and attend a few more meetings of late. But I'm still not participating enough, I don't talk about anything of substance. And the lack of commitment, the lack of focus, has started to spill over in to how I feel.

I'm on a short fuse. I'm impatient and itching for a fight. I'm falling back on behaviors that I know are just attempts to adjust my mood. The way alcohol used to do. The things I would do when a drink wasn't available or appropriate. This afternoon I bought a pair of sneakers I absolutely did not need. Only $40, but that's not the point. It's not always the what, it's the why. And the why was I was feeling out of sorts, and I fell back on looking outside myself, buying something, anything, that would make me feel different.

Not good. Not a healthy choice. Some might say that's a sign I am not "spiritually fit". They would probably be right. But I guess it says something about how far I've come that I'm aware of it.

No comments: