Monday Moment Of Zen - My Smokin' Hole

No. I haven't suddenly developed an affinity for getting punch-fisted. I've always liked that. Rather I thought I would give you a look at how a restaurant owner in Germany has decided to get around and register his dislike of his state's newly enacted smoking ban. Basically, his solution involves poking your head through a giant sphincter in the wall until you hang your personal pie-hole on the outside in order to practice your god-given right to die of cancer. Some would argue this is an appropriate analogy, as only a pretty giant sphincter would go to these ridiculous lengths to poison himself and still remain "comfortable". But you didn't hear me say that.

One Vagina Martini, On The Rocks

I'm basically running the restaurant alone for the Saturday night dinner shift now, which will work unless we get crazy busy. Then it will be too much for one person. But it's exhausting and I fell asleep last night around 2:30 and didn't set an alarm on purpose. I slept until 1:30 this afternoon. So in lieu of a longer post you'll just have to be content with this story from last week out of Japan. They are so freaky dirty over there, it cracks me up.

By Stephen Yagielowicz
Wednesday, Dec 26, 2007

OSAKA, Japan – In what some observers see as the beginning of a campaign to clean up the area, a popular adult club in Osaka's Minami entertainment district has been targeted by police.
Recently six of the club's hostesses and one male customer of Impulse, a "sexual cabaret club," were arrested on charges of indecent exposure after the hostesses allegedly worked while in the nude while the customer exposed his genitals.

Other allegedly indecent acts have been reported at Impulse.
"As soon as you enter the club, a hostess will give you a hot towel that she has already used to swipe her private parts. You can start fondling the hostesses' breasts as soon as you sit down, but that's nothing. You immediately get a drink, but it's a hostess's urine served on the rocks. They also serve tidbits sprinkled with cuttings of the workers' pubic hair," Shukan Jitsuwa reported. "They also had a service where the ice served in drinks is first inserted into the hostess's private parts. They just kept on getting wilder and wilder and I think they went too far in the end."

While Impulse forbids media coverage, word of the club spread quickly, making it one of the most popular clubs in Minami.

"That place was warned plenty of times in the past for going too far," a sex industry writer said. "I knew there'd eventually be arrests there some day."
"Sure, it stretched the limits, but it never really went beyond them. It didn't provide any sexual services that resulted in ejaculation and if there was any nudity going on, it was never anything more than a quick flash," a call girl service operator said. "Even its most raunchy stuff wasn't that serious. I think the arrests have been made to send a message to others."

"Some people are saying the tough line cops are taking on adult businesses in Minami will only go on until the end of this year. But I think they're wrong. I think this crackdown is going to keep on going for ages," a writer covering Osaka police news reported to Shukan Jitsuwa. "And the reason why I feel that is the cops working on Minami now are the same ones who carried out the massive clean-up a couple of years ago of the Kabukicho district in Tokyo."

The Rest Of The Story

Last night's adventure with the new manager continued to be "interesting". After the last reservations were in and midnight rolled around we finally closed up shop for the night. As I said, I tend to avoid spending any more quality time than necessary with the new manager. I also don't follow co-workers around, making sure they do this or that. I'm not expected or paid to. The vibe around work is that you pretty much police yourself on that front. Unless something goes terribly wrong, one of the things I love about my job is that nobody is micro-managing how I use my time.

So it wasn't until the end of the night that we were thrown together out of necessity. I need to train him on the closing procedures. Registers need to be cashed out. Waiters need to turn in their charge slips, paperwork, money, etc. Change banks need to be verified and re-set. It's thrilling. Really. And it's honestly not that hard as long as you're methodical about it. You need a system. And you need to do it the same way every night. That way it becomes second nature and you generally don't forget to deposit the money or leave the safe unlocked over night.

Wow. Those first two paragraphs are crushingly boring, no?

In a nutshell, the new manager couldn't close because he was drunk.

He has a serious drinking problem, despite his attempts the other night to list all the reasons he doesn't. So instead I did the entire close for him. Which is kind of pointless because I already know how to close. And after thinking about it over night and taking in to account the fact that before he was "promoted" to his current position there were several instances where he had to be disciplined for drinking-related problems, I ultimately decided I'd had enough and went to our supervisor. I related what I observed and avoided making any dramatic pronouncements. But I did point out that, god forbid, who knows what would happen if we were to leave him alone one night and something serious were to happen when he was drinking. The potential to be shutdown and/or sued would be a massive risk. After a brief back and forth debate between myself and another manager and our supervisor, we decided that he will be relieved of his position right after New Years.

I feel bad (In a way) that I had to be the one to "pull the trigger" on this problem. But someone had to. And I hope it serves as a wake-up call for this man to see that his drinking is out of control, and so is he. But I doubt it. I don't get the impression he's ready. And you don't just realize one day you have a substance abuse problem. You have to be ready to see.

Talking To A Wall

I've been working all this week with one of the new managers. Aside from the fact that he annoys the piss out of me in general, I had the oddest exchange with him. I try to avoid being in situations with him where we make small talk because I usually can't understand half of what he's saying anyway and when I do understand him it's usually obnoxious or just dumb. Quite frankly, I have no desire to get to know him or vice-versa. But I happened to be having a bite to eat at the bar yesterday when he oozed up next to me and inquired again why I never drink. I finally decided to get it over with and replied bluntly:

"Because I'm an alcoholic."

"No you're not."

"Um. I'm pretty sure I'd know... So, yes I am."

What ensued was a 10 minute conversation about why I'm an alcoholic and how much I drank and how I quit and all the gory details. At least as gory as I was in the mood for.

The conversation ended with him complimenting me on how matter of fact I am about it and how brave he thinks I am. Oh, and we of course had to list all the reasons why he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. AS IF.

So imagine my reaction this evening when the conversation touched on the cases of champagne that were delivered this afternoon in preparation for New Years Eve.

"We're getting ready!"

"Right" I replied, unenthusiastically.

"Are you going to have some champagne with us for New Years?"

I turned my head to him, dripping with disdain (and we know how messy that can be).

"You're a fucking cartoon! Get lost, you Muppet."

OK. I made that last sentence up. I just walked away.

Christmas Day, Party Of One

So I ended up working on Christmas Eve after all. It occurred to me after I posted about possibly getting the day off that my supervisor hadn't actually scheduled me to do payroll for this week. It's usually due by noon on Wednesday and my next scheduled shift isn't even until Wednesday night. So I decided to go in for a few hours on Christmas Eve and get the payroll done rather than wake up under the gun or be forced to rush through it on Wednesday. The alternative, where no one gets a paycheck during Christmas week would have made yours truly a most unpopular individual. And we can't have that now can we?

Christmas Day I woke up after dozing fitfully and puttered around watching morning TV. The Disney parade on ABC is just one giant infomercial for Disney nowadays isn't it? I think the Disney Imagineers could go ahead and replace Regis and Kelly with animatronic characters for all the fake enthusiasm they bring to the show. Maybe it's always been that way and I'm getting crusty in my old age.

Had a little coffee and took Jet to the park for a walk. After I got him home we opened his Christmas stocking. Yes, my dog got a Christmas stocking and yes, I shopped for my dog. I'm not completely crazy I didn't wrap anything. He got yet another squeaky toy and about 3 different kinds of rawhide as well as a bag of dog cookies. At one point he kept jumping back and forth from the rawhides to the squeaky toy until I decided that he was just getting confused and put some away for another day. I've already given him more biscuits and cookies today than I ever usually do.

I made myself a nice breakfast of scrambled eggs with cheese and mushrooms along with three fat slices of Canadian bacon and toast. Then I unwrapped the cards and presents that the family had sent last week that I kept under the tree as well as a couple of gifts from the kids at work. Mom and dad sent socks (which I count on every year), some clothes, about 4lbs. of pistachio nuts, three tins of homemade Christmas cookies (courtesy of dad) and a modest check. My niece sent me a beautiful framed picture of herself that her father (who was a professional photographer) took. I absolutely love it. Also got some candles and a Jet Blue gift card to offset the ticket price when I really can go to visit the family.

I took Jet out again in the afternoon. There were other people walking dogs everywhere. I decided to sit in the park for a while and give him a good brush. He's a gay man's dog all right and will sit for a brushing as long as I want. Plus he knows a biscuit comes at the end. Then I went back to the house and made some Christmas phone calls to family and friends to say a proper thank you for the gifts. After which I dozed off for an hour. I'm usually not one for a nap but I haven't been sleeping too great lately and I had nothing else to do so I gave in. I woke up and made some chicken and mushrooms with diced tomato and Spanish rice. I also baked a potato and have a tray of stuffed peppers I made yesterday. Dinner and/or lunch is set for at least a few days.

The one thing I didn't do all day today was go to into a single open store or restaurant. Not a 24 hr. drugstore or diner and most certainly not a grocery store or restaurant. Many years ago we developed this rule in our family. It comes from years and years ago when my dad used to have to go to work on Christmas day. Before that, stores were always closed. But somewhere along the way, as stores opened up and people started spending money, more and more restaurants and then groceries then all manner of stores, theaters and businesses opened. Because people came in. Money was made. And then more and more people had to leave their families or interrupt or delay Christmas while loved ones had to work. Because people are too lazy or too dumb to figure out what food they'll need one day in advance. Or maybe the toy they bought needs batteries. Or perhaps the camera on Christmas might just need, oh I don't know, film? How surprising it must be that the car will need gas for that trip to visit relatives today. So all manner of selfish fucks will flood groceries because they absolutely can't live without mini-fucking-marshmallows or bread crumbs. And instead of planning ahead and buying a jug of cheap wine because the family will drive him to drink, get belligerent and scream at his little girl, another dumb ass will go into a bar on Christmas night and remark about how sad it is that the bartender has to work. Not sad enough to push his beer gut away from the bar and get his alcoholic ass home, but sad nonetheless.

So needless to say I have no illusion that I will be part of the solution. That genie ain't going back in the bottle. But I refuse to be part of the problem. I have food, my dog has food. I've got milk, bread, contac lens solution, condoms and lube and clean socks and underwear. I've got several DVD's I've never watched, and a few I could always watch again. I've got video games I've never mastered and a book I'm working on. I even stole my neighbor's New York Times this morning. So I don't even need to visit a newsstand. If a few million more people would do the same, maybe someone else's dad wouldn't have to go to work on Christmas. I'm just sayin' ...

"Merry Christmas, Baby"

Come and get your present ....

All I Want For Festivus Is Serenity Now!

Slept in on Sunday. I had an easy week as far as amount of hours but there was a lot of stress leading up to Christmas. The entire restaurant staff has been working pretty hard since Thanksgiving. Entertainment, Tech, Servers, Barbacks and Kitchen as well as host/hospitality have all been putting in crazy hours, long hours or going without days off to get us through the holiday party season. We've begun to fray. At least I have. I unleashed on at least one of the servers. Not that he didn't deserve it, but I uncharacteristically strafed him so bad he'll either get in line or quit. Which I suppose is why I did it. Either outcome is OK with me.

Saturday night right before leaving for my Sunday day off it was questioned by my co-worker in that he didn't understand why I was scheduled to come in on the 24th at night since we are only open as a nightclub. I handle the restaurant, Human Resources and payroll so anything involving the nightclub beyond paying their staff has very little to do with me. I agreed and expressed my confusion as well. At which time I was informed that maybe I could take that night off as well. He would let me know. Trouble is, that night, being the 24th, added to my days off already on the 23rd and 25th would mean that I could in fact have gone home to be with the family at Christmas. I suppose I still could if I find out on the 24th that I am indeed not needed. But the ticket price the day of the flight would be outrageous and I haven't bought a single gift, seeing as how it seemed going home was impossible, so I would be forced to sit and open gifts (or at least gift cards) while I would have nothing in return. Now of course I know that mom and dad would say the presents don't matter that it's far more important we're all together. And they'd be right. But I'd still feel like the po' single gay child with no savings but plenty of HIV prescriptions to show for my life.

And that's not how I would choose to spend my holiday. However long it ends up being.

In Other News ...

Of interest. At least to me. Maybe. It possibly doesn't interest you in the slightest.

Friday, December 21, 2007


WRITERLESS NETWORKS TO SPOTLIGHT KARAOKE
By PETER LAURIA

December 20, 2007 -- In a move that illustrates how television networks are girding for a protracted battle with striking TV writers while also scrambling to fill major programming holes, interactive karaoke restaurant Spotlight Live is closing in on a production deal, The Post has learned.
According to three sources familiar with the situation, broadcast networks ABC, CBS, NBC, The CW and a handful of cable networks held informal talks with Spotlight founder Jen Worthington before the writers strike began about developing a TV show based on Spotlight's concept.
A source inside NBC said the network thought Spotlight, a Times Square club and restaurant that features five professional recording booths and provides professional backup singers and dancers for would-be performers, might be a nice fit with the network's theme parks, or could be a show broadcast on cable or video-on-demand.
While informal at first, sources said the networks' talks with Spotlight, which is being repped by Creative Artists Agency, have ramped up since the writers strike began Nov. 5, and a deal could be in place in time for 2008's mid-season.
Spotlight's talks with the networks have intensified as the antagonism mounts between networks and striking TV writers, and as network sources privately say they don't expect a resolution to the strike before March.
Worthington declined comment for this story. The networks mentioned either declined comment or could not be reached for comment.
Prior to the beginning of the strike, the networks ordered a plethora of reality-show programming that they hoped would tide them over until a deal was reached. But with a resolution not expected anytime soon, sources said the networks will likely need to greenlight additional reality-show programming.
Each new reality-show deal accomplishes two goals for the networks. First, because reality shows don't employ writers, they fill the void created by scripted programming that has been halted or canceled due to the strike. Second, it signals to writers that the networks can withstand a strike indefinitely.
Spotlight, where Jennifer Lopez and Alicia Keys have performed, already has some powerful partners on the music and Internet side of its business in SonyBMG's Epic Records and cable company Comcast, respectively.
Epic has agreed to provide studio time and to record, produce, distribute and market a single from eight winning singers selected by Spotlight's diners, an online audience and Epic judges. Comcast streams videos of the performers through its Ziddio unit.

It's A Wonderful Life

One more day of private events before Christmas. I still have to work every day but the 25th, including Christmas Eve. I doubt I'll be around long enough to take in the festivities as we host a Jewish Singles event later that night though. Although that really sounds like it's gonna be a laugh-riot. I'll be spending Christmas here in NYC as one day off isn't enough time to hop home and it's right back to work on the 26th.

The following week we'll be open for tourists and people still celebrating as well as those that are winding up for New Year's in Times Square. We're working with some outside promoters and that seems more and more like it's going to be a disaster of biblical proportions.

****

Wow. Major interruption as I was writing. A brawl broke out at the bar. Police. EMS. Blood. Broken glass. None of my staff was hurt, thank goodness. I have to get the place closed up and calm everyone down. I'll update tomorrow if there's time.

UPDATE: So the fight. Here's how that went down. It was the end of the night. Kitchen was closed. Only about 20-25 bar customers left. I wasn't in the room. Apparently, there was a group (4 or so) of business suits drinking at the bar. They had come in for drinks after another function. All was well until this mook decided that his bag was missing. We never have determined if he actually came in with the damn thing in the first place, but he was liquored up enough to insist he had and it was missing. You have no idea how many people flat out insist something is lost when they never came in with it in the first place.

Next thing you know the dumb fuck is demanding his bag and up and throws a beer bottle at one of my bar backs. He missed and took out a couple of bottles in display. The sound engineer was close by and grabbed the freak before his friends intervened and took him away from the bar to calm down. He assured them he was fine. Immediately after being released this drunken overgrown fratboy proceeds to take a $500.00 computer kiosk touch screen and smash it on the ground. At this point the police were called and his friends and some good Samaritan customers tried to hustle the asswipe out the door. As they were pushing him towards the elevator the dickwad took one more opportunity to grab a glass from a nearby table and throw it at the head of one of my waiters. With that, at least two of my staff and one bystander tackled the fucker and they all tumbled down a small set of stairs. The dumb ass then smashed his own face down on the carpet, underneath which is concrete, and split open his forehead. A fate he completely deserved.

By then the police had arrived, at which point I came upon the scene. The drunk moron was laying on the floor bleeding like a stuck pig as his friend continued to berate the staff and yell at the police. I honestly thought he had been stabbed at first. While I got the whole story and made sure my people weren't hurt, EMS arrived and began to treat the perp and get him ready to transport. After interviewing staff and customers and taking names and statements, the police pretty much discounted their version where my employees suddenly and without provocation started beating on a patron for no reason, and were instead pretty clear that even though he was now drunk and bleeding on my carpeting, this douche-bag had committed at the least attempted assault, destruction of property and whatever other charges add up to 35 year old alcoholic white guy with rage issues.

In the end, my contacts with the police department tell me he was treated at the hospital and placed under arrest. My employees may have to answer some follow-up questions but there's no trouble for them on that front. I ended up cleaning up all the bloody tablecloths and napkins, as well as all the bandages, saline and plastic gloves the EMS workers discarded at the scene. The night crew was left to quickly shampoo the puddle of blood left in the rug. They did a great job, by the time we re-opened late this afternoon, you could barely see it.

Monday Moment Of Zen

Little Pothead, Big World

Here's "Midget Mac", one of the contestants from

VH1's heinous hit I Love New York 2.

Observe how cute his tiny little hands are as he holds on to that big fat blunt. I would venture to say it's the only time he ever feels high. Get it? 'Cause he's so low ... I'll be back for the 10 pm show. Try the lamb.

-images via Rhymes With Snitch