Thursday, March 25, 2004

Full Disclosure

Please understand the opinions and beliefs that I have chosen are for myself and how I've decided to run my life. I make no value judgments on how you choose to run yours.

I wrote a while back about my answering an ad for a porn shoot. I haven't mentioned it since sort of for a reason. But a regular reader deduced correctly that the company in question was Treasure Island Media which, if you follow the link you will see that they feature extreme sex including extreme oral and gang bang parties. I knew this going in to the interview. During the course of the interview, which basically consisted of me getting naked, hard and getting photographed, I discussed being HIV+ with the New York director, who, as it turns out I did have safer sex with in the past. He bottomed for three guys at once. It was delightful. Anyway, I told him at the time that I was worried about infecting the uninfected and he assured me that everyone that participates in a shoot is HIV+ or unconcerned or they just assume everyone is. I sort of just accepted that at the time since the shoot was a month away and it wasn't like I was contractually obligated or anything. I do admit something was making me uneasy but overall I felt hey, we're all grown men we know what we're doing, what's the big deal, right?

Later that week I got a hold of a copy of The Gift. For those of you who have never heard of it, The Gift is a documentary about bareback sex. More specifically, it's about people who either: a) Intentionally expose themselves to HIV (bug chasers) to become poz or b:) intentionally expose others to HIV (gift givers). None of it was really news to me. I live in New York City and I get around on line. I know all about conversion parties and bareback orgies and even people who just want to become HIV+ because those are the "cool" (!) people. I've never participated in that but my feelings about all of it has been, hey, I can't live your life for you. I was still fascinated if not for the stories but the people telling them. How people will use an amazing amount of mental gymnastics to justify their behavior. How much I wanted to slap that whiny bitch, Doug who did nothing but cry through the whole fucking documentary. However I did get one crucial bit of information. The bottoms in these bareback orgies are ending up very sick. I felt like such an idiot. As soon as I heard it it made perfect sense. As I say, do the math. Even if the bottom guy is HIV+ he may not have any other STD's going into it but he sure as shit might after. What are your odds with one or two guys? What are your odds with 20? Or more? If even a few of the tops routinely attend bareback orgies what are they passing on? One of the men interviewed for The Gift had diseases they couldn't identify. But he doesn't participate in bareback orgies "so much anymore". Holy shit. I had no idea. I guess, with hindsight, I didn't want to know. And it's one thing if what I'm doing might be a danger to myself. It's quite another when what I'm doing, or participating in, and by videotaping it giving my tacit approval of, can cause someone to get horribly ill. No way. As soon as this information sunk in I knew I was out. And I guess this bit of information in my e-mail made me know I chose well:

Now that it's over, I'm curious what you were trying to say about the
gangbang... What exactly were you thinking that would bring me down?

In case you're interested, 24 guys were videotaped fucking him, and he got
21 loads from 18 of the guys (6 had "performance" problems). Plus he went
out to El Mirage Friday night and Black Party Saturday night - who knows
how many loads he took at those places... So it was a good weekend for

And by the way, good story about the blindfolded bottom... Too bad you
didn't cum inside him though...


On the one hand, this (gorgeous, I know, I saw pics) man is free to run his life how he sees fit. I just can't be there and can't be a part of something that I know could hurt him.

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